How It Works
Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then comment on your work.
Paul was kind enough to allow me to post his pages today without a review. Also, he wants you to know that he is from the U.K.
Some of the formatting seems weird and off, which isn't a case on the orginal?
ReplyDeleteHere's the original: http://personal.crocodoc.com/wvn6Kdr
ReplyDeleteHi Paul,
ReplyDeleteWell done at getting onto Feedback Friday. Here are my notes:
p.1 - Scene Heading should read "Mary's Kitchen".
p.2-3 Exposition through conversation as Mary and Agg discuss Seth - where is the drama?
p.4 "drenched in denim" - surely, "dressed in denim".
p.4 More exposition through conversation as Seth externalises his thoughts.
p.6 A "pin-striped suit" - over-doing the class roles a little, surely?
p.7 "You have just this second walked in?" - why is this a question?
p.8 Seth walks through the door and straight-away promises to give back the money - too on the nose.
p.10 Peter says, "Yeah, if you think...talking about how we can make them even more money is interesting" - but a few pages ago he was introduced as a man who lives to work. A contradiction, surely?
Writing a social drama is always difficult for two reasons. First, because you have the capture the language, the culture and the environment perfectly - or else the whole thing feels false. Second, because social dramas take place on such small stages that often very little action happens, which can easily make for an uninteresting story.
Unfortunately, I thought that there simply wasn't enough drama here. Most of your scenes involve a detailed description of a locale and then long, highly expository conversations. Your best action scene, Seth being chased by the police, is over in a few brief lines. I also didn't believe in your depiction of this social milieu. You describe Mary and Seth as "lower class" - but what sort? The lower class is not monolithic. You need more detail to be convincing.
Also problematic is the subject matter. There is nothing particularly interesting about it. Now, social dramas always have trouble with this, but it is possible to do it well. Look at Shane Meadow's mostly-excellent "This is England", in which a working class child falls in with skinheads and subsequently with the Far Right. Skinheads are an interesting subject matter and a child joining the Far Right is a fresh take on the subject. Your subject by contrast has little intrinsic drama and feels familiar and predictable - "The Soloist" did a similar story only a few years ago.
A final note is that, whilst popular amongst writers, social dramas are mostly unpopular amongst audiences right now, with even famous directors like Ken Loach struggling (although that might also be because of his tediously predictable political partisanship). Film4 makes a social drama every so often, largely on behalf of famous actors, but nobody really watches them. Even Shane Meadows only just survives, largely through corporate sponsorship (i.e. Eurostar in "Somers Town"). So, unless you are writing this for yourself, then be aware that this script is probably unsaleable.
Cheers for the feedback.
ReplyDelete