Friday, December 21, 2012

ONE BY ONE by Corey Swim


Faced with the systematic slaughter of his former team, a retired American Martial Arts assassin must uncover the truth before it's too late.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 

This week Eric looked at the 1st 10 pages of Corey Swim's ONE BY ONE.


Corey Swim's ONE BY ONE
Review of the first 10 pages
Logline: Faced with the systematic slaughter of his former team, a retired American Martial Arts assassin must uncover the truth before it's too late.

Cory!  Thank you for allowing me to enter into the world you've imagined.  You are clearly a fan of the action genre, and your passion bleeds through these pages as if it were blood flowing from the bodies of the assassins cut down by the bullets of your heroes. :)

That said, the biggest improvement you can make right now to the script is in the writing.  There are action scenes, but they can be described in much, much, MUCH greater detail.  Instead of pulling out a "gun," can he pull out a Glock 9mm?  When someone is shot, tell us where they are hit, if they go down, crashing into the grandfather clock, shards of glass digging into their skull...get dirty with those deets!

Especially in that opening sequence, man.  This is the opening of your script!  This is where you demonstrate how bad ass of a writer you are!  It's also the one spot where the general reader will give you a little leeway to play around.  You don't have to launch the story, but the action has to be some of the coolest, most well-described action out there, if you want to get our attention.  

Because your story, well, it is not the most original in the bag.  But heh, I wouldn't worry because in your genre - action - the story of MOST action films isn't what sells it.  As we all know, we come for the ass kicking and we stay for the ass kicking.  

With that in mind, my biggest advice is to READ action screenplays.  Right now.  Three scripts a week.  Go read what right now and come back and finish this review.  (I'm serious - when you're done, email what you learned from that script to eric@scriptdoctoreric.com - and THEN keep reading.)  

Because if we were going to create the plans to build a house, we wouldn't just look at completed houses and think we knew how they were constructed, would we?  Heck no!  We'd examine blueprints, build models, study everything that architects do to design the thing...after all, in a way, we're writing a blueprint.  (I know it's not a perfect analogy, but hey, it works in a way.) 

For example, have you read THE MATRIX?  Some of the best action description is in that script.  Quentin Tarantino's scripts are fun, and you can probably borrow a few structural tricks from him, but be careful with the writer-directors - they often play by their own rules.

So read, read, read, and then work on your writing.  I highly recommend BIRD BY BIRD by Anne Lamott, ON WRITING by Stephen King, and ON WRITING WELL by William Zinsser.  They're not for screenwriting specifically, but they're on the craft of writing in general, which is technically, half of screenwriting...and I'd argue, more like 75%.

Well, that's it for comments.  The notes should be posted by Bob either before or after this review...

Hope the notes on the script help.  Those are they type of detailed, page-by-page notes I write for my clients who order my Ultimate Service.  You'll see that I gave a lot of alternative ways to write certain lines.  I know you didn't order the notes, so perhaps you weren't expecting them - I hope you don't feel as if I'm stepping on your toes. To me, a note of "this is wrong" isn't that helpful - I like to have some examples of potentially better ways to write it.

I hope the notes at least give you a concrete starting point on the areas that need the most attention, and fast ways to improve your writing.  Again, your passion really flows out of this script, and so I don't doubt that you have the potential to create something great in the future.  If I had read this script for an agent, I would have told them, "Let's wait and see where this writer is in 6 months," which, believe me, is a helluva lot better than a "No thanks."  

So keep on writing and kicking ass, man.  And please contact me with any questions over these notes, your script, or anything else.

Rating: TAKE ANOTHER PASS

If other screenwriters out there found this analysis intriguing, and wonder how your script would stack up, just check out www.scriptdoctoreric.com.  On the site you'll find write post after post dispensing free screenwriting advice, and screenwriting services for every type of writer.  

If you're a screenwriter out there whose work I don't ever get the pleasure of reading, I hope you take advantage of fun screenwriting events like "Feedback Friday," and for goodness sakes, don't ever stop writing and creating.

Seriously.  And...

Onward!

-Eric

Friday, December 14, 2012

RIGHTEOUS KILLER by Erik Wolter


When a deranged high school janitor goes on a rampage at Saturday morning detention, an unlikely pair of survivors must stop him.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 

This week Bob took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Erik Wolter's RIGHTEOUS KILLER



Review of “Righteous Killer”
Reviewed by Bob Schultz
(Screenplay / Thriller First 10 Pages)

Original Logline: When a deranged high school janitor goes on a rampage at Saturday morning detention, an unlikely pair of survivors must stop him.

Hi Erik. Thank you for the opportunity to read the first ten pages of RIGHTEOUS KILL. I fear that it has some issues that need to be addressed. I don’t know how many rewrites you have gone through on this one, but I think it would really benefit from at least one more, perhaps two or three.
For starters, I recognize in your first ten pages one of my own personal issues when writing: Over-writing. The old maxim about starting every scene as late as possible and ending it as early as possible holds true on a more macro scale (enter your script as late as possible, finish it as early as possible), and on a more micro level. Every paragraph and line of dialogue ought to be tight, tight, tight.

The real meat of “Righteous Kill” hasn’t started yet in the first ten. Let’s see how we can tighten this up.

I think pages one and two can be cut entirely. It seems like it has become easy screenwriting shorthand to get backstory introduced through a news report. It feels a little lazy, and all of these details can easily be introduced later in the story in more subtle ways. Likewise the prison rape on page two. It’s gruesome and unnecessary. After all, everybody knows what goes on in prison. Presumably, Charles will play a critical role later in the story. He can exhibit PTSD and the haunted look of a tortured soul, and it can be revealed he hasn’t been the same since prison. The audience will connect the dots.
If we’re going to allude to his history later, the scene with Robert Hart and the Atari 2600 can be cut too.

The mystery surrounding Shadow will make the movie better. His motivations and backstory don’t need to be clear to the audience at first, as long as they are clear to Shadow, and to you, as you write him.

Having avoided the cliché of the newscast and shrouded Shadow in mystery (can one shroud a shadow?) The introduction of the detention students is right up front. If this is going to be a classic thriller (or horror), these changes bring your victims right up front, ready to earn some empathy from the crowd.

I think they benefit from some reworking as well. It seems that we are meant to see them in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. The good news is that each character is introduced quickly and easily, rat-a-tat-tat. At first, anyway, each seems to be a bit of a stereotype. Presuming you are intending to add layers and gray areas as the movie goes on, this is a fine start.

The only other concern I would raise, Erik, is that school shootings are such a hot-button issue that it might be difficult to put the thrill in this thriller. That “roller-coaster” joy that comes from watching a thriller or horror stems from the audience’s ability to experience the danger without actually being threatened. I fear that a school shooting hits a little close to home for all of us. Is the movie going to be “Final Destination” or “Elephant?” I think it’s important you decide and commit. As it stands now, the script starts with realistic torture and horror, then moves into lighthearted jocularity in the detention.
I hope my comments haven’t discouraged you, Erik. Rest assured, these problems are all easily fixed through rewriting, with an eye toward keeping the story tight and the characters interesting.
Thanks again for the opportunity to read it, and keep on writing!

RATING:
TAKE ANOTHER PASS. Or two. I think you’re on to something here. Your logline is a solid foundation. We just don’t have a house yet.

Friday, December 7, 2012

MEMORIZE / EUGENE / THE SPHERE / REVELATION


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 


There were no new pitches this month, but you can check out the old ones here.

Here are four shorts that came across my Twitter feed recently. I haven't watched them yet, so let me know what you think.

MEMORIZE

"We've got a problem." Another great sci-fi action short film to catch, this one we promise is entertaining. From directors Eric Ramberg and Jimmy Eriksson comes a sci-fi story set in 2027 titled Memorize, in a world where everyone has "Memorize-chips" implanted that record everything in an attempt to cut down on crime. Watching this, it kind of has a Minority Report or Gattaca feeling, with modern day action like Dredd. One reader who sent this in references video games: "A dash of Max Payne, a dash of Syndicate. Also, oddly like a futuristic Law & Order or CSI." That's true too, but it's pretty damn good. Check this out! -  FIRSTSHOWING.NET


Memorize - Short Film from Jimmy Eriksson on Vimeo.

EUGENE

A traveler in Washington DC gets a mysterious gift: an Ultrabook that grants all his wishes. How will he wield his unexpected powers?  Vimeo Staff Pick.


Eugene, directed by Spencer Susser (feat. Michael Govier and Karolina Wydra) from Intel & W Hotels on Vimeo.

THE SPHERE

In the not too distant future, Earth is occupied by a hostile alien race that's aggressively searching for a missing alien artifact -- a sphere that contains an infinite source of powerful energy. When a resistance fighter gains possession of the sphere, he races to unlock the energy it contains in order to eradicate the alien forces and return Earth to humankind.

THE SPHERE from Nicholas Militello on Vimeo.

REVELATION: Omnibus

Revelation Film Project is an experimental art film project. The piece is ensemble-generated, working without a script.




Friday, November 30, 2012

THE OMEGA FILES by Derek Anderson

Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

This week Bob took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Derek Anderson's 
THE OMEGA FILES.

Review of “The Omega Files”
Reviewed by Bob Schultz
(Screenplay / Action, Sci-Fi? First 10 Pages)


Original Logline: Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.

Derek, one thing is for sure: THE OMEGA FILES starts with a bang.

THE STORY:
We have an innocent protagonist facing an assassin committed to ending her life, a near- superhuman hero assigned to save her, and everyone’s motivations are shrouded in mystery. Is there a time-travel element to the mystery (“something not from this century”)? What does this all mean? How did Mary come to write such a brilliant piece of literature? She seems to be just another all-American girl. I wanted to learn more.
The brutality of the attack on Mary was effective (though it might be difficult to watch for audiences). I think the risk of alienating audiences with the violence is one worth taking. It immediately does the following:

  • Sets the stakes as life-or-death.
  • Establishes the antagonist organization is a genuine threat that will stop at nothing.
  • Drives the audience to empathize with Mary.
Having said that, I think the scene could use some tightening. Franklin falls victim to classic “Movie Bad Guy” syndrome of stopping to talk when he could kill the hero. Clearly this assignment (killing Mary) has implications wide and far-reaching, and he pauses to gloat “You really don’t know, do you?”
This hesitation gives Sphinx time to swoop in, save Mary, and kill Franklin.
The level of mystery and intrigue will be raised even further if Franklin doesn’t hesitate. He should stride into the award ceremony and go right for the kill. This will allow you to introduce Sphinx earlier. In fact, I would establish her presence very early. On Page 32, after we’ve moved past the MATCH CUT, maybe a moment of Sphinx watching the proceedings from a hidden location (the eaves of the building, some dark shadow, in disguise among the paparazzi, something like that). I think if Sphinx knew the value of Mary as a target, she wouldn’t let Franklin get the drop on her.
If Franklin is ready to kill Mary immediately (instead of beating her), the fight between Sphinx and Franklin can last a bit longer, and we can see the reactions of Mary’s boyfriend and parents too.
From a story perspective, I want to know more about what happens in this adventure, for certain.

THE WRITING:
Aside from a slight tendency to overwrite (see the annotated pages with comments about redundancy), your writing style is sleek and direct, critical to an action script. I would consider truncating some of your complete sentences. Doing so helps the script read faster. Instead of:
THE CROWD ERUPTS IN DEAFENING APPLAUSE. CAMERAS FLASH EVERY SPLIT SECOND.
… you can write:
DEAFENING APPLAUSE. CAMERAS FLASH.
Edits like this will have the reader’s eye careening down the page, searching for your next exciting set piece.

RATING:
MORE PLEASE. I need to know what happens next and why everyone is after Mary. Good job, Derek.



Friday, November 16, 2012

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF by Paul Holbrook

A business man and a drug addict form an unlikely friendship after a chance meeting and a mutual love for music. The odd couple begin to rely on each other as their usual mundane lives begin to crumble around them.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.


Paul was kind enough to allow me to post his pages today without a review. Also, he wants you to know that he is from the U.K.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF by Paul Holbrook


Friday, November 2, 2012

Short Films: PAYLOAD/THIS WAY THEY CAME/MARTIN


Please check back on 11/16/12 for Jim's feedback on 

the 1st 10 pages of 

INTELLIGENCE GAMES by David S. Jones

Also, if you have access to the Blacklist consider checking 

out frequent Feedback Friday commentor Graeme McPhail 

& Kristoffer McKeown's comedy spec RING OF LIAR

A lifetime bachelor accidentally proposes to his clingy girlfriend then tries to trick her into dumping him to get out of it. When she finds out what is going on, the tables are soon turned.

One reader gave it an 8/10. It is also the last 

remaining Scriptshadow Twit-Pitch finalist to be reviewed. 


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

***If you have access to The Black List consider checking out


Also, those of you who follow me on Twitter have probably 

heard me raving about former feedback Friday reviewer Dan 

Dollar's THE BOY AND HIS TIGER.
It was just recommended by The Tracking Board! You can read all about it here. Congratulations Dan and best of luck with what is sure to be a long and successful career.

I've decided to do things differently for the first Friday of each month; in addition to providing writers an opportunity to visually pitch their screenplays we'll also be featuring short films. 

Here are the pitches and three short films ...

PAYLOAD

In the shadow of a space elevator, Simon Carter must sacrifice everything to save what remains of his family.

With Payload, I set out to make a science fiction film with a soul. At its heart, it is the story of a boy, Simon Carter, who must give up his own soul to save his brother, Dave. I’ve always been fascinated by how “good” people can become “evil” — how our environment and circumstance wields such incredible power over us. Science-fiction, as a genre, is deeply concerned about the world it presents — and, at its best, these worlds are a deep part of the meaning of the film, and becomes characters in themselves. 
- Stuart Willis from payloadfilm.com


Payload from Stu Willis on Vimeo.


THIS WAY THEY CAME

The end of the world as seen through the eyes of an 8 year old boy.
A Film by Cillian Daly




MARTIN


MARTIN from Seán Branigan on Vimeo.