Friday, October 26, 2012

THE SONGBIRD by Jae Kim

A woman with a history of paranoia suspects her apartment neighbor is a killer.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

Pitch your screenplay to the world with the new First Friday Free-For-All.

Interested in access to the writers' lab (for more discreet feedback) or being a guest/ regular reviewer?


This week Heidi took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Jae Kim's The Songbird



Characterization: Jane is an interesting character, although I don’t feel like her character is consistent. The logline suggests that she suffers from paranoia; however, her behavior in the script isn’t always in agreement with that. She seems rather bold and is too approachable. The secondary characters like the apartment manager and her neighbors seem to know what’s wrong with her, but it isn’t clear. I feel as if I’m watching Jane through a murky fog over loch ness. I have difficulty connecting to her, which is a warning flag for me. If I can’t connect to her, why should I care what becomes of her. I would suggest doing some deeper research into the psychological diagnosis of paranoia to better create your character. I’ve marked a few character issues in the script as well. Setting: The setting is also oddly void. What city hosts this story? Are there any landmarks to mention making it more vivid? It is easiest to look at setting as a separate character as a writer. Describe it as well as you should your main character, in this case Jane. I also felt that you didn’t use all five senses to describe place, people and things. A script’s job is to tell a wonderful story, but a writer must show the story to readers (producers/agents). Your sentences are very telling and it pulls away from the showing aspects. Granted though, you have a wonderful start. It isn’t finished though.

Plot: The plot is slow to start and a bit uneven, but out of all I have mentioned it is in the best shape. Remember the three-part page formula (30-60-90) concept of screenwriting. Most people will give a film thirty pages to ensnarl them, but if you haven’t done it by then you are endanger of losing them. A screenplay is set up to happen in THREE distinct acts. Each of these acts should fall about every THIRTY pages. An example would be, the 1st act should climax at page 30 or so, the 2nd at page 60, the 3rd at page 90, and the final few pages should wrap it all up neatly and give the viewers hope for the characters they have fallen in love for the last hour and a half. I’d double check that my screenplay follows this simple formula. Overall: I send you kudos. This script while certainly not complete is a healthy draft. There is plenty here for you to move forward on, and you should.

My official rating: Take Another Pass. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors.

 

Friday, October 19, 2012

OCCAM'S RAZOR by Jason Russo


2348 A.D. A soldier awakens from a seven-year coma only to discover that his identity has been completely erased.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, Jim (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

Pitch your screenplay to the world with the new First Friday Free-For-All.

Interested in access to the writers' lab (for more discreet feedback) or being a guest/ regular reviewer?
Contact me 




Review of “OCCAM’S RAZOR”
Reviewed by Jim Newman
(posted Oct 19th, 2012)
(Screenplay | Sci-Fi Adventure, First 10 Pages)

“Narrative is very descriptive, nice imagery, and writing is solid. But we need to slice and dice some parts to dial back the hook from page fifteen to page ten.”
Let’s kickoff with the logline:
Original Logline: 2348 A.D. A soldier awakens from a seven-year coma only to discover that his identity has been completely erased.”
Let’s take a few moments to dissect this:
  • The logline hits these chords:
    • Protagonist – Soldier,
    • Goal/Mission – presumably to establish his identity again
        • IMPORTANT: What happens if he doesn’t accomplish the mission? Does he die? What does he lose?
  • The logline lacks the following essential elements:
    • Antagonist – who’s trying to stop the protagonist? An enemy military? Internal leadership? Specify.
    • Irony – there’s no irony here. For instance, a military warrior who fails to protect this squad or family. Or a battle-hardened army officer who is crippled with fear.
    • Time – is there a time clock for the protagonist to achieve his goal? For instance, will his identity be lost forever if the “deadline” is reached? Let’s say he has seven years before a “statute of limitations” kicks in and he loses his records forever, purged from the public system. And let’s say he wakes up three days before the seventh year rolls over.
Now, let’s take a short step back. I understand that there are a number of movies out there that don’t have loglines that hit all the “recommended” elements. I consider those to be the exceptions to the rule. Whenever you can capture these in your LL (aka, pitch), then you’ll have covered all the bases.

This logline reminds me of a Total Recall-esque type of movie; that is, the search for a stolen identity. I
like the logline, but it just needs a bit of tweaking. As I usually say, without knowing the full storyline, I suggest the following – hopefully it falls into place. If not, then it should serve as a guideline to follow. Please note (I’m coming clean) – I did read up to page 15. I considered wrapping the death of the family into the LL, but it reads better without it … you can make that your B-story or C-story, if needed. Read with the red font, which can be cut for a tighter presentation:
Tweaked Logline: “2348 A.D. A highly decorated soldier awakens from a seven-year coma to discover his identity has been erased and his family killed. Can he be reborn before the public system is purged and avenge his family?”
Again, I like the original logline because it makes me say, “Hhhmmm, he’s coming out of seven year coma – lots must have changed. And now his identity is gone?!? How will he live? Is he starting over? Will he live a different life? Will his friends and family remember him? Was the life that he knew be revealed that it was just a dream?” IT DOES HAVE A HOOK … but I’m caught up on not including a sense of irony.


Suggestions for irony (some may change the direction of your storyline, so only digest them as examples):
  1. A physically hulk of a solder is crippled by fears residing deep inside his psyche
  2. A highly decorated solider awakens to find that he’s a prison inmate, convicted of treason
  3. A solider awakens 15 years later and discovers that his only son is now the enemy’s leader
  4. A soldier who designed and protected a nationwide database that holds the fabric of society together has now fallen victim to hackers who have purged the data. When the data is purged, the person ceases to exist days later unless they can recover the e-records.
    1. Hey wait – maybe I’ll run with these stories – haha just kidding
Summary:
The story begins with setting the place/world we live in – a battle in progress during the year 2348 AD. The protagonist, Jarfon Trunt, is leading a group of soldiers retreating from their mission objective.

Pages two through four continue the retreat and inevitable ambush by the alien horde. Jarfon’s small platoon fights back in a hand-to-hand combat sequence. Jarfon calls ahead to senior leadership and refuses assistance, but the next moment he’s knocked out cold by an alien commando.

Pages five through seven show Jarfon in the hospital under the care of by a heavenly beauty named Keira Reese. There’s a flashback (although it’s not coined a flashback – a bit of a cheat) that shows Jarfon enjoying a game of soccer with his children when suddenly his wife alerts them to an alien fighter spacecraft attack. Return back to the hospital scene where Keira sees the alien police marching into the hospital. The red light on Jarfon’s wheelchair indicates they’re coming for him. Keira presumably has the hots for Jarfon because she risks life and limb taking him to safety.

Pages eight through ten is a dramatic escape where Keira gets Jarfon to a spacecraft. They’re detected by alien patrol ships who are ordered to track them down, but do not engage. They are to be taken alive.

Fast forward to page fifteen, Keira asks Jarfon if he can remember his name. He cannot. There’s an uncertainty to his military past. And she reveals that no one has visited him in the last five years (the coma).
Feedback:

I like the story. It’s well-written and gave me a good spread in my mind’s eye. Character descriptions were, well, descriptive! I especially liked Keira’s depiction – well done. The logline (concept) is consistent with the storyline, albeit up to page 15. With that said, we need to pare back some scenes in order to get the end line on 15 to 10. Also, by “killing some babies” we’ll quicken the pace since it does get a bit slow and reads more like a book (something readers cannot endure).

Firstly, the format meets industry standard rules. Just a few tweaks to tighten it up:
  1. Title needs to be in the same font and size as all other print.
    1. Some writers can get away with this, but that’s typically reserved for the established sort. Best to play it safe and use the Courier font.
  2. Include page numbers starting with page two.
  3. Ellipses on page three that serve like beats need to be omitted.
  4. Camera angles – although acceptable – must be used infrequently. Maybe once, no more than twice. There are several instances. Please refer to my notes on the PDF.
The opening image is descriptive and action packed right from the get go. I was drawn in – sort of like the beginning of Star Wars where the undersized rebel ship is pursued by an Imperial starcruiser (can’t remember what they were called) under fire. Also can be like Saving Private Ryan when the troops are storming the Normandy beach with the blasts and explosions, panicked and stressed calls for retreat. We meet the protagonist, a battled-scarred elite solider, named Jarfon Trent. His character introduction is brief and presumptive. I find the description of his fellow soldiers to be better suited for him. Perhaps revise to say something like, “Courage seeps from his squinted eyes” instead of it “running deep” because we can’t see that. But a hard stare speaks volumes.

The opening scene continues on for another three pages, so four pages in total. This is a good opportunity to truncate. Yes, it’s
solid writing again and simply “cool”. But from a reader’s perspective it reads more like a novel and slows the pace. You hit us from the get go with an action packed sequence, but this is where it slows down. To say it bluntly – “enough’s enough”. Cut to the chase and move the story forward. You can probably cut a full page here.

The hospital scene is good. Reveals Jarfon’s recovery after getting his @$$ handed to him by the aliens. But this is where you need to hit the theme of your story, one character saying it to another (either protag to story-B character or vice versa). What’s the message you can to get across to the audience? What’s the lesson to be taught? And will your protagonist prove or disprove it in the end? I didn’t see one here. Possibly it’s “true love knows no boundary” or “fight to the bitter end”. Keep it simple, but send the message so the audience can subconsciously know what we’re in for the next 100 minutes.

The flashback or dream on page six is a cheat because you don’t call it out as one. Presumably this is the start of the attack from the aliens since Jarfon is vulnerable, playing with his children. Could this be pulled up to the opening scene, a blast from a ship cuts to white screen, followed by the Armageddon world we’re now in? When possible, avoid flashbacks and dreams at all cost, unless it’s absolutely necessary and cannot be shifted to another point in the timeline.

The following four pages have a dramatic sequence where Keira helps Jarfon escape from the alien police. VERY descriptive, but again the pace slowed down a bit. Page ten (cutoff) ends with the aliens in hot pursuit of their getaway craft. There’s no hook yet … sort of just dies here. Page fifteen has the hook – Jarfon awakens from his five year coma to discover that his identity has been and apparently his family has been killed (at least that was my impression). THIS worked for me. I’m assuming the rest of Act 1 will be his game planning and perhaps indecision with his next steps. Does he
save himself and establish his identity again … or does he search for his family despite being told that they’re gone? Maybe his family wasn’t killed, but now work on a slave farm for the aliens (I’m just brainstorming here).
My recommendation: lay out Jarfon’s world as he knows it – perhaps a solider on leave, enjoying time with family, in a far future time. Let us feel something for him – why should we root for him? Perhaps his wife could reveal the theme in conversation with Jarfon. Then this could be followed by the battle scene, hospital, then the big reveal. Are there any other characters that will be part of the A-story? If so, then introduce them in the first ten.
TYPOS & GRAMMAR & OTHER NOTES


Please refer to PDF with my notes and recommended corrections. I invite you to reach out to me with any follow-up questions or comments.


And if you can’t read my chicken scratch handwriting, then please let me know. I apologize in advance for my sloppy writing.

Rating: I’m torn here … on the fence between:


Take Another Pass (because it needs some rework) and More Please! (because I’m hooked).

Thank you for sharing your work with us! Feel free to send your rewrite for additional feedback and a review of your outline, if available.



Friday, October 12, 2012

MULL BURN by Andrew Horne & Chris Webster

Three Aussie mates risk it all by embarking on an urban Odyssey to score a bag of green, in a City which is mysteriously dry.


How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, Jim (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

Pitch your screenplay to the world with the new First Friday Free-For-All.


Want to join Feedback Friday as a regular reviewer? (Still looking for one more regular reviewer.)

New writers' lab for more discreet feedback. 
Contact me for access.

Review of “MULL BURN"
 Reviewed by Jim Newman (posted Oct 12th, 2012)
(Screenplay | Comedy, First 10 Pages)

“Confusing delivery, scenes feel irrelevant from each other, and the story lacks purpose.”

Let’s kickoff with the logline:

Original Logline: “Three Aussie mates risk it all by embarking on an urban Odyssey to score a bag of green, in a City which is mysteriously dry.” 

Let’s take a few moments to dissect this:
·         
The logline hits these chords:

o    Protagonist – the three Aussie mates

§  However, can you tell us a tad more about them? Are they school age? Adults? Fathers? Crooks? Potheads?

§  Goal/Mission – searching for a bag of weed

·         IMPORTANT: What happens if they don’t accomplish their mission? Does someone die? Does a town suffer? Does the world end? Or is it they just can’t get high? There needs to be a clear life changing purpose here.
·         
The logline lacks the following essential elements:

o    Antagonist – who’s trying to stop the protagonists (presumably the “three Aussie mates”)? A rival gang? A politician? Each other? Some internal conflict? Specify.

o    Irony – there’s no irony here. For instance, Jim Carrey’s character in “Liar Liar” is a dirtbag attorney who suddenly cannot lie! Attorney < > cannot lie = IRONY.

o    Time – is there a time clock for the protagonists to achieve their goal.
·        
Other notes:

o    What’s a “bag of green”?

§  I guessed it would be marijuana, but it could be a colloquial term for “money” … so if you keep the “bag of green” reference, then it’s important to give the characters a specific description mentioned above that could be used to infer what this means.

o    What / Where is “the City”?

§  Why is this capitalized?

§  Which city are you referring to? In Melbourne? Outside of Melbourne? A mystical place that’s outside the realm of our world?

o    Use of “risk it all”.

§  This is overused, generic, and lacks drama.

§  What’s being risked? Their lives? Money? Friendship? Love? Their sanity? Need to clarify/specify what’s at risk so we understand what’s on the line if they do not accomplish their mission.

o    Odyssey

§  Why capitalized?

I typically try to stick to one line, but two lines is acceptable (but no more than two). Furthermore, I’m a fan of closing it with a question to pique the reader’s interest and help focus their attention, but in this case I believe the one-liner works. Without knowing the full storyline, I suggest the following – hopefully it falls into place, but if not, then it should serve as a guideline to follow: 

Tweaked Logline: “Doomed to live out a life of sobriety, three Melbourne potheads embark on a stoned journey (or “odyssey”) to score the last source of green (or “weed”) known to mankind.”

Summary:

The story begins with setting the place/world we live in (for the sake of this story): Melbourne, Australia.

High above the world below, two oddly dressed characters – Fairy Penguin and Koala – are participating in a strange sexual experience. Presumably dry humping while dressed in costumes …

Page two introduces several more strange animal characters; that is, humans dressed as animals like some sort of masquerade party.

At the end of page three through the start of page five, we’re introduced to Steve, a medical student and owner to Barry, his Kelpie dog as they walk through a park of some sort. We see a graffiti artist creating a marijuana leaf motif, which reminds Steve that tonight’s “smoke night” … and he needs to get in touch with Roman, presumably his drug dealer of choice.

Pages five through seven shows Steve going into a convenience store to pick up some cigarettes and milk for his father after he ties Barry to a sign outside the store. Steve speaks with the clerk, who is familiar to Steve. After some discussion about Australian football teams, Steve sees the headline of the newspaper: Roman has been arrested! His only source of weed is now gone. Terry and Steve express concern over the recent crackdowns in the city. 

Pages eight through ten introduces us to a group of 11-year old school girls who apparently haven’t lived a hard life from the likes of their iPhones, high priced coffees, etc. Super spoiled! Dorothy, a psychotic and over-caffeinated Asian girl, gets in Steve’s face because he smiled at the group of girls.

Last half of page ten introduces us to Belinda and Mark. Mark is having a hard time getting out of bed despite Belinda’s attempts and threats. She blends a healthy concoction and mentions that she’s going running with Karl. But before she can leave, she sees a black object on the back patio, scoops it up, but doesn’t show it to Mark.


Feedback:

It’s my impression that this is an adventure comedy with a large dose of Cheech & Chong. However, the first ten pages are muddled, lacked direction, littered with irrelevant scenes, and failed to connect us to the main character, Steve.

Firstly, the format does not meet standard rules.
1.     
                >
Title needs to be in the same font and size as all other print.
2.      
                >
Headings are way off. It should follow this format:
a.       INT. EUREKA TOWER – OBSERVATION PLATFORM – NIGHT
                                                              i.      Don’t use PROLOGUE
                                                            ii.      Omit “Act” and “Scene” references.
                 
                  > Page numbers need to be same font (Courier) and start with page 2 (not 1).
         > Don’t use camera angle or statements such as “we see”. 
                                    Only established writers can get away with these, especially if they’re the producer/director of the movie.

The conflict is identified: Roman, the preferred drug dealer (presumably the only one in town) has been arrested in a series of recent drug busts. Access to weed has been cut off … thus the mission for our protagonist(s). So this is good! But in order for there to be an effective conflict, we need to know the other side of the coin. What will the protagonist lose or risk if he cannot successfully navigate his world and reach his goal? Does he die? Does he lose his lover? Or in this case, does he just not get high and live a sober life (which can be funny if executed properly, a la Cheech & Chong)?

As expressed in last week’s review, the character descriptions are non-existent. Each character must be introduced with an age along with one or more of the following: physical description, what are they wearing, doing – what actions can show that reveal your character internally and/or externally? We need to see the characters in our mind’s eye. We want to draw up our own cast. We want to root for our protag, but first, we need to know who he/she is.

At the page three cutoff – a growing standard to hit certain marks leading up to the ten page guidance – there’s still no purpose. I wasn’t sure what I was reading – is this a Halloween party? Is it a strange world? Why are people dressed like animals? Who are these people and why should be care about them? Where /Who is the protagonist? Is the genre established: comedy, sci-fi, both?

Pages three through ten don’t reveal much. Steve and his dog, Barry, walk through a park, “talk about” tonight’s smoke night, needs to find Roman, goes to a convenience store, buys some milk and cigarettes, sees Roman has been arrested in the paper, then gets verbally assaulted by an 11 year old girl. I shook my head and said, “Huh? What?” I thought if I light up a joint, then it may make better sense to me. Alas, I don’t smoke, so I was still confused.

Overall, Mull Burn’s first ten pages don’t give much to us in terms of a story or its characters.
·        
   > There’s conflict that falls short of identifying what’s at risk.  
·        
   > The characters are one-dimensional: no sense of who they are, why they’re in the story, and how will they contribute or assist the protagonist.
·        
   > Dialogue in nearly every case feels irrelevant to the story, is on-the-nose, and subjects the reader to exposition.
o    See my website – Screenwriters Anonymous – click on VIDEOS and watch the first one. Robert McKee (3 minutes) gives ten high level pointers regarding ineffective dialogue. Number seven: Talking Wallpaper. “The humdrum, chit chat of “Hi, how are you.” “Oh, I’m fine.” and number eight: Forced Exposition – will help you identify and help clean up in a rewrite.
·        
   > What’s the black object? You don’t tell us much to create a sense of mystery, but I only found it frustrating because why would Belinda see it, go outside to pick it up, then hide it from Mark? And what does it look like other than “black object”. Is it soft, hard, round, square, heavy, light, large, small, etc etc?

TYPOS & GRAMMAR & OTHER NOTES

Please refer to PDF with my notes and recommended corrections. I invite you to reach out to me with any follow-up questions or comments.

And if you can’t read my chicken scratch handwriting, then please let me know. I apologize in advance for my sloppy writing.

Rating:

Trash it (start over).

Thank you for sharing your work with us!


Next week's pages: