As a biochemist dives into a secret project she’s forced to confront the family legacy and a werewolf’s desire for supremacy over mankind.
Review of the first 10 pages
First, thank you for giving me the privilege to explore the unique world you have created. Every screenplay is a personal and intimate creating, and I feel lucky to have the opportunity to experience so many as a script reader and consultant.
The title is the first impression a reader has with a script. What is "RRH?" A biological term? An acronym of some sort? It creates a bit of mystery - as I'm wondering what it is - but you may risk confusing the reader, and missing the opportunity to hook them with a title that fits the kind of script they are looking for.
If "RRH" is actually a bit scary, then you're probably better off writing out the full name of whatever it is. Or choose another name the gives us the genre of the script by the title, such as "Werewolf Killers" or "Monster Hunters" or something better than those names I just came up with off the top of my head.
The script starts of strong, with a violent, exciting opening scene. Entrails! Werewolf! Katana? Yes, a katana! Nice. I can't wait to see what happens...
But then...we're in a mansion...and it's after a party? There's some talk of some project...but I'm not really sure how that's related to the opening scene.
They just shot a werewolf! All the talk should be about how they are going to go out an hunt this sucker down! Maybe Rose wants to go, but they don't want her to. Or Alex is planning the next stage, and needs Rose's help? Whatever it is, keep the monster hunting story going, (with conflict! verbal sparring! opposing interests!) even when they're not out in the wilderness hunting monsters.
The other large note I had was, by this time, it should be clear who our protagonist(s) is. But I'm not sure. I thought it was John and Alex, but when we begin to follow Rose, now I'm thinking it could be Rose. The script will vastly improve if you pick ONE main character, and really make it about their quest. I'd choose Rose - she seems the most interesting. But get her in the script faster (maybe she's in the car while Alex and John fight the werewolf?).
Also, a few writing choices pulled me out of the script while reading. One is the lack of description or age when a character is first introduced. If we don't know an approximate age, or what they look like, it is going to be tough to picture them as the story goes along. It's an easy fix.
Lastly, and this is big... there is a huge overuse of semicolons. That's a punctuation mark you rarely see, and for good reason - it's difficult to use correctly. I'd consult Strunk & White's Element's of Style pronto. (I don't get any money for recommending them...but I should!)
Also pay attention to comma usage. And a few punctuation choices. And some awkward grammar.
Because in the end, half of screenwriting is writing.
In fact, it's probably more like 75%.
Good start! Keep it going!
Rating: TAKE ANOTHER PASS
Notes on the first 10 pages of Marc's screenplay
by Script Doctor Eric
(Known as "SDEric" in this document)