A shut-in, losing his grip on reality, struggles to evict his twisted roommate and conquer his fear of the outside world, in order to win back the woman he loves.
How It Works
You email me the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, I (or a guest reviewer) post one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then vote and comment on your work.
I think Rob read my mind, because I'm madly in love with scripts where characters have to face huge internal obstacles with external consequences. (Like schizophrenics conquering their internal delusions, a la the John Nash biopic, A Beautiful Mind, or a man with a stutter who must make the most important speech of all time like in The King's Speech). So when I read the logline for 1601, I was thrilled. There's a few punctuation changes I would make so it reads smoother:
A shut-in losing his grip on reality must evict his twisted roommate and conquer his fear of the outside world in order to win back the woman he loves.
1601 begins very cinematically, with a bone-chilling voiceover and a committed crime. Openings like this make you feel that you are in the hands of a skilled writer, and I was sucked in immediately. We then find out that Paul is a lonely shut-in whose girlfriend walks out on him. On top of that, he is struggling with his rent along with his inability to make it down the stairs of his apartment.
This is a lean script, which by itself is a huge compliment. Too many times writers provide a gluttony of description instead of the bare essentials. Just read RED, Taken, or Alien. Description in these scripts are sparser than the surface of the moon, but that's what makes them work! Another thing I really loved about this script was the writer's skill with words. Paul “darts about like an irate dog” in the beginning, which shows us that he's anxious instead of telling us.
Stylistically, this script is nearly perfect. There are way too many double dashes. Punctuation is key in a script, because as writers we need to direct the reader's eyes. Ellipses are great for slowing down the pace and building suspense, and double dashes speed up the pace or segue into another log line. If you abuse the double dash, the reader may begin skimming and not absorbing what is really happening. I know picking on punctuation sounds silly, but double dashes are to writers as jump cuts are to editors. Use your tools wisely!
As I wrote in my notes, I would stay away from mentioning brands. “Phone” instead of “Droid.” Sure, specificity is good (Porsche instead of car, for example) but the difference between Porsches and Droids is this: a Porsche is a brand that is stigmatized with wealth. With that one word a writer can communicate exactly the kind of person who would own this car. But Droid? What does that do for the story? The character? In my opinion, just say phone and move on.
The character Paul is described as “skinny jeans sexy,” but that doesn't tell us anything about his character. So he's a pathetic shut-in that we feel sorry for... but what else? I know it's only the first ten pages but I had trouble getting a read on him. He's anxious, irate, and Emily Dickinson-esque. If he's going to be painted as a Recluse archetype, there needs to be another dimension to his personality, and he must have some sort of rich inner life or secret hobby. I just need some sort of texture to this guy. What are his likes/dislikes? What does he do in his apartment all day? What does he do for a living? He's a bit bland.
This leads me to Elona. Paul doesn't want to talk to her in the hall the night after giving her a place to stay. I'm unsure of her purpose in the story. Maybe keep her around when Angelica breaks up with Paul? When in doubt, add a third person to an argument! Awkward situations and heightened conflict are storytelling gold.
The title threw me for a loop. When someone is pitching you a movie, what does the title “1601” bring to mind? That's right: the dreaded historical piece us new writers should avoid like the plague. I would recommend changing the title to something that encompasses the entire plot (and doesn't mislead readers on the genre!)
Overall, I really enjoyed these ten pages. I can tell that the writer knows what he's doing, and there's talent within these pages. The story just needs some polish to make it shine!
( ) Trash It
(*) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please
( ) Somebody Shoot This!
What did you think of Louis Sangalli's 1st 10 pages?
What did you think of Louis Sangalli's 1st 10 pages?
Next week I'll give feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Amy Suto's DYALTOV'S ENCORE.
