How It Works
You email me the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, I post one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then vote and comment on your work.
This week I read the first 10 pages of Vanessa Pope's THIS TOM'S SON.
*** Vanessa Pope is represented by Peter Macfarlane of Macfarlane Chard. ***
The story begins in Belfast. It's an idyllic, early summer scene when a voice over comes in. A woman, Martina McCoy, writes to her absent husband. We quickly realize that her words are out of sync with the serene images on the screen.
Next, we meet their children. Martina's description (of what is going on with each one) compliments what we see. Screenwriters are often warned against using voice over in the beginning of a screenplay. Good thing Vanessa didn't heed those warnings because it works beautifully here. In just a little over a page, we learn both the players and the situation they find themselves in. Not only that, it's presented in an active and humorous way.
Then, we meet the neighbors- lead by the aptly named David Furey who, "carries himself with the air of a man who has won his family as trophies." He's also a real jerk. So it comes as no surprise that Chris is determined to make him the target of their little prank later on. I won't go into detail here, in case you haven't read it yet, but things get pretty sticky. You sense that there's some history here and that Furey had it coming.
Is this the inciting incident? It's hard to say having only read 10 pages. It could be that something happens within the next few pages to really get the story rolling. But something stronger needs to happen sooner. That's my only criticism (I go into more detail about formatting and such in my notes) in terms of the story itself.
Hollywood readers are looking for something gripping in those first few pages. Her crippled husband returns home unannounced, news arrives that he's been killed in action or gone missing, the boy's prank goes horribly wrong and someone is killed or maimed- you get the picture.
Regarding Vanessa's writing ability? She clearly has the chops to become a professional writer. The characters are vividly drawn and her pacing is excellent. Anyone can learn to craft a decent screenplay, but there's a certain element of artistry needed to write a good one and that can't be taught. I suspect we'll be seeing a lot more of Vanessa Pope in the future. So, when it comes to Vanessa Pope and her story- I'd like some more please, but regarding these 10 pages:
( ) Trash It
(*) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please
( ) Somebody Shoot This!
What did you think of Vanessa Pope's first 10 pages?
What did you think of Vanessa Pope's first 10 pages?
MY NOTES
Vote below for which 10 pages you'd like me to review on 4/27/12. (I'll be reviewing Amy Suto's 1st 10 pages on 4/20/12.)
ROCK NOT DEAD by Martin Dolan
In less than 24 hours zombies rise all over town. A teen rock band struggles not only to survive, but to play the show of their lives.
£80 PER WEEK by Alex Durham
Rooms for let.
THE GIFT OF FIRE by Reginald Beltran
Forbidden from continuing her life's work in the U.S., a linguistics professor accepts an invitation from a Nigerian dictator to continue her research with apes.
HUNA MAGIC by Dawn Star
After two beautiful sorcery students are sentenced to death, they escape seeking a pardon and face a fantastical odyssey across rainbows, through the Underworld and against lizard demons, with aid from the Goddesses and Gods of ancient Hawaii.
WOODED DARKNESS by Freddie Lee Cross II
An emotionally haunted girl, Ara Mashal, prepares for her 18th birthday when her serial killer ex-boyfriend, 29 year old Eddie Tateon, shows up with his own murderous plans to unravel her life.
BERNARD'S WATCH by Chip Thompson
Bernard has had his magical stopping watch since he was a young boy. Now the power of time is beginning to corrupt.
ACTUAL DEATH EXPERIENCE by Cillian Daly
In the future, death is the new drug. So perfect are these "Actual Death Experiences", they are made illegal. Now one scientist must risk her life trying to figure out how an impossible death experience even exists, and stop the slaughter of millions of innocent lives.
