LOGLINE: An alcoholic social worker is forced to work the overnight shift at a rehab center for teenage girls. Throughout the night, the unsettling nature of the house and scheming girls test not only her commitment to sobriety, but also her sanity.
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Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
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*Don't forget to check out Rob's interview with Energy Entertainment's Derrick Eppich *
Today's pages come courtesy of Michael J. Regina. Thanks Michael!
So this is a film that's about a social worker who is forced to stay overnight at a rehab center for teenage girls when the center is understaffed. I'm not sure what "unsettling nature of the house" means in the logline - it almost makes it appear as if this is some kind of ghost movie too, but I didn't get that impression from what I read. From what I read, this movie seems to be just a straightforward drama. Here we go...
After a somewhat confusing intro sequence where we travel from a quiet suburban street into the basement of a neighborhood house/rehab lodge, we find ourselves in the midst of a heated counseling session for teenage girls with substance abuse problems.
(My first thought while reading this was I wasn't sure exactly what kind of facility this was, and what was it doing in the middle of a "typical, quiet suburban street"? I've spent a good deal of my years growing up in the suburbs, and I don't recall ever seeing any houses that also doubled as rehab centers. More clarification is needed.)
Anyways, we open right in the middle of a spat between two hostile young women, Kylie and Brianna. Apparently Kylie is bisexual and thinks Brianna is too, but Brianna isn't having none of that. Juicy! Posie Penton, our heroine, is the moderator of the meeting, assisted by Meredith, a staff member at the house.
As the tension and arguing in the room continues between the girls in the room (of which there appear to be five or six), we learn that some alcohol and drugs have been snuck into the facility, presumably to be a source of temptation not only for the girls, but for Posie later on (she is listed as an alcoholic in the logline, but we don't get to see that aspect yet in the first 10).
While some of the dialogue here feels very natural and flows well (and it has conflict, hooray!) this first scene ultimately goes on way too long (about 7-8 pages I believe). I'm not saying you can't have extended scenes like this, as there are no rules in screenwriting, but chances are it better be damn near breathtaking to maintain my interest, especially if you're using it to open your movie. Sorkin can do it, Tarantino can do it, but most people can't get away with stuff like this. All the arguing just gets bland here after a while. I'd cut this opener after 3-4 pages.
Another issue I had was that there are about 7 different characters in the very first scene. Again, you can do this, but you have to make sure all of them are distinct and unique. The reason why The Breakfast Club works so well is that the five students are all polar opposites, and stand out from one another. I think the writer did try to separate her characters some, at least in the descriptions, but it wasn't enough. At the end I just felt like these girls blended together too much, and I had trouble telling them apart. This being a rehab center for girls with a specific problem, you're going to have to work extra hard to make sure these are not all the same personalities.
And finally, this concept, while a bit intriguing, is pretty iffy too. If this is going to be a film about a social worker who bonds with her patients while struggling with alcohol addiction, you better have seriously memorable characters and dialogue and story, because the hook just isn't there. Not saying it can't be done, but as a spec writer it's hard enough to write something interesting with a good premise. This is just starting with a disadvantage right off the bat. Also, I can see this kind of story getting sappy and melodramatic pretty fast.
PROS: Some solid, natural dialogue and conflict
CONS: First scene too long, concept isn't very exciting
I will give this baby a "Take Another Pass".
Cheers!
Dan
What did you think of Michael's 1st 10 pages?
