An old-school detective faces his final challenge – stop a disabled Afghan war vet who has become a media super-hero by dishing out vigilante-style justice.
How It Works
Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then vote and comment on your work.
This week's review of Erik V Wolter's 1st 10 pages is brought to you by Rob.
There was a miscommunication with Mystery Film Student so Dan will be giving feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Michael J. Regina's GIRLS RECOVERY LODGE next week.
Today, I'll be sharing some quick thoughts on the 1st 10 pages of A RIGHTEOUS CRUSADER instead.
Today, I'll be sharing some quick thoughts on the 1st 10 pages of A RIGHTEOUS CRUSADER instead.
I won't be critiquing Erik's logline because after reading it, I had to read his pages. I also won't be making any notes, because his first 10 pages are damn near perfect. In fact, I'm tempted to end this thing right now and tell you to just go read his pages.
Still here? Alright.
We open inside a police station where we meet 64 year old, homicide detective, Thomas Wright. Thomas is set in his ways, as evidenced by his willingness to tote a Bose Wave radio back and forth to work each day rather than learn how to stream music on his computer- as the young criminology intern, Audrey Taylor suggests. She also informs him of "another liquor store robbery and a nasty sexual assault." We learn a lot about Thomas from his response, but you'll have to go read the pages to find out what it is.
Really? Still reading? Okay. I could tell you how Erik has done an incredible job of characterization, setting the tone and conflict, but your time would be much better spent just reading the pages. I could tell you about the introduction of Dante and Kathleen on page 3 and how in just a few short lines their entire interpersonal dynamic is laid out before us in vivid detail. I could tell you about the shake up at the station, or the funeral for Dante's father- each scene excellently executed and successful in moving the story forward. But you'll see what I mean when you go read the pages!
Erik's writing is better than many of the professional screenplays I've read. I was so impressed by his first ten pages that I immediately asked if I could read the rest of the script. Erik sent me over another 18 pages. When I finished them I asked if he had any representation. It turns out that he has an agent, Barry Perelman, but is not currently represented by a manager.
Long story short, I can't wait to see...
( ) Trash It
( ) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please!
(** ) Somebody Shoot This!
We open inside a police station where we meet 64 year old, homicide detective, Thomas Wright. Thomas is set in his ways, as evidenced by his willingness to tote a Bose Wave radio back and forth to work each day rather than learn how to stream music on his computer- as the young criminology intern, Audrey Taylor suggests. She also informs him of "another liquor store robbery and a nasty sexual assault." We learn a lot about Thomas from his response, but you'll have to go read the pages to find out what it is.
Really? Still reading? Okay. I could tell you how Erik has done an incredible job of characterization, setting the tone and conflict, but your time would be much better spent just reading the pages. I could tell you about the introduction of Dante and Kathleen on page 3 and how in just a few short lines their entire interpersonal dynamic is laid out before us in vivid detail. I could tell you about the shake up at the station, or the funeral for Dante's father- each scene excellently executed and successful in moving the story forward. But you'll see what I mean when you go read the pages!
Erik's writing is better than many of the professional screenplays I've read. I was so impressed by his first ten pages that I immediately asked if I could read the rest of the script. Erik sent me over another 18 pages. When I finished them I asked if he had any representation. It turns out that he has an agent, Barry Perelman, but is not currently represented by a manager.
Long story short, I can't wait to see...
( ) Trash It
( ) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please!
(** ) Somebody Shoot This!
i caught some of rob's glowing review as i scrolled down, so that may have activated my crosshairs a bit, but i didn't think too much of these pages. some of the writing is nice, albeit a little overdescriptive (two paragraphs to describe the station right off the bat), and the characters seem generally realistic - but nothing happens at all here, nothing interesting to me anyways. an old cop goes to work, goes home, fights with his wife about something i don't know what, goes to work the next day to find out LAPD is, I'm not quite sure...upgrading its technology? And then there is another Marine who is having another generic fight with his wife too about something i have no clue about. the dialogue was just too vague and generic.
ReplyDeleteI felt like this person really had some great pacing and good descriptions in here but felt some of the dialogue at times was a little expositiony. (I know that's not a word). I think Dan pinpointed it when he said it was too vague and generic. That may have been what I felt when reading it too.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that wasn't terrible but maybe could have been a little more creative was when Thomas Wright was talking to his wife at the cemetery. I feel like we've seen similar scenes like that before. I think a way to strengthen that scene for me would be to put it in a different location and maybe talking to an object she owned. Maybe it's a secret part of the house or maybe he's lying in bed pretending to talk to her. I have no idea.
I was also a little confused when Dante just left suddenly after he got the phone call around page 10. Why would he just leave like that and not tell his wife? If he's hiding something, he's not doing a good job by darting off like that.
I also feel like we've seen the police cop character type before. Maybe do something a little bit different with him would be cool.
Otherwise I would read some more to see where this goes. The logline intrigued me.
These are just my two cents.
I liked the story well enough, admittedly partially sustained by the logline supporting the not-a-lot which happens in this excerpt, but I wasn't particularly enamoured with the writing quality. I voted (*) Take Another Pass.
ReplyDeleteThe first two paragraphs immediately made me dubious about the entire thing. They can easily be consolidated into a sentence or two- everyone knows what the inside of a police station looks like from movies and TV, and there's nothing special about this one.
"Wright a shoe leather relic of old school law enforcement shoulders a well-worn backpack." This is missing a pair of commas and a hyphen, but regardless is overwritten. I'm sure the metaphor seemed fun, but it took me out of the story. And show, don't tell. HOW is he a "shoe leather relic," whatever one of those is?
This next paragraph, again, doesn't need to be so long, say: "Strained suit seams and four-day stubble contrast with the casual trendiness of his junior colleagues." I dunno. But I don't feel like I'm reading at screen pace.
Also, do we need to know it's a Bose Wave? Can't it just be an expensive designer radio? The prop department doesn't like it when you do their job for them. Unless the fact that it's Bose makes a particular statement about his character, I'm not sure why I need to know this. It bumps me out of the story again.
I could keep going, but I think my point is made. I like the characters, I think they're solid foundations... But that's the problem. They're foundations, not fully realised characters. They come across as archetypes with limited individuality. There's no huge character hook which makes me NEED to know more about them.
I'm also entirely uncertain why the Danté guy is even in this, I don't get what his role will be or why I should care about him. The spat with his wife felt like generic Hollywood "Oh no, I can't possibly have sex with my totally hot wife right now despite being male, because I'm too busy dealing with my feelings. Woe is me." His wife also comes across as fairly strong and experienced, knowing what he's like at the party and knowing how to win him over about the house, but doesn't put up a fight at all when he says he doesn't feel like intimacy? If she needed him, she'd make damn sure she got him. I dunno. I guess this is all subjective, but it came across strangely to me.
Overall, I agree with the vague feeling from the other guys. Perhaps you're going for "the calm before the storm" approach, but I'm not feeling it. I still think there's potential here though, so I'd be interested in seeing another shot.
I'm really confused. Google says I posted a comment earlier, but Disqus says I haven't. Here it is, anyway:
ReplyDeleteI liked the story well enough, admittedly partially sustained by the
logline supporting the not-a-lot which happens in this excerpt, but I
wasn't particularly enamoured with the writing quality. I voted (*) Take
Another Pass.
The first two paragraphs immediately made me
dubious about the entire thing. They can easily be consolidated into a
sentence or two- everyone knows what the inside of a police station
looks like from movies and TV, and there's nothing special about this
one.
"Wright a shoe leather relic of old school law enforcement
shoulders a well-worn backpack." This is missing a pair of commas and a
hyphen, but regardless is overwritten. I'm sure the metaphor seemed fun,
but it took me out of the story. And show, don't tell. HOW is he a
"shoe leather relic," whatever one of those is?
This next
paragraph, again, doesn't need to be so long, say: "Strained suit seams
and four-day stubble contrast with the casual trendiness of his junior
colleagues." I dunno. But I don't feel like I'm reading at screen pace.
Also,
do we need to know it's a Bose Wave? Can't it just be an expensive
designer radio? The prop department doesn't like it when you do their
job for them. Unless the fact that it's Bose makes a particular
statement about his character, I'm not sure why I need to know this. It
bumps me out of the story again.
I could keep going, but I think
my point is made. I like the characters, I think they're solid
foundations... But that's the problem. They're foundations, not fully
realised characters. They come across as archetypes with limited
individuality. There's no huge character hook which makes me NEED to
know more about them.
I'm also entirely uncertain why the Danté
guy is even in this, I don't get what his role will be or why I should
care about him. The spat with his wife felt like generic Hollywood "Oh
no, I can't possibly have sex with my totally hot wife right now despite
being male, because I'm too busy dealing with my feelings. Woe is me."
His wife also comes across as fairly strong and experienced, knowing
what he's like at the party and knowing how to win him over about the
house, but doesn't put up a fight at all when he says he doesn't feel
like intimacy? If she needed him, she'd make damn sure she got him. I
dunno. I guess this is all subjective, but it came across strangely to
me.
Overall, I agree with the vague feeling from the other guys.
Perhaps you're going for "the calm before the storm" approach, but I'm
not feeling it. I still think there's potential here though, so I'd be
interested in seeing another shot.