tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post8713892870815027895..comments2023-03-28T02:49:12.663-07:00Comments on Feedback Friday: GIRLS RECOVERY LODGE by Michael J. ReginaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01175985544002285736noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-55119892379706136252012-08-18T02:31:54.674-07:002012-08-18T02:31:54.674-07:00I'm afraid I'm mainly going to echo what h...I'm afraid I'm mainly going to echo what has already been said regarding the length of the opening scene and there being too many characters too soon - if you throw too much at the reader little of it can sink in and take an emotional connection.<br /><br />I thought the actual quality of the dialogue was good, it flowed nice. I actually would like to read more of this as hopefully after I got a better grasp of all the characters it could be quite the interesting read.Graemenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-21115236786498590182012-08-17T21:47:43.411-07:002012-08-17T21:47:43.411-07:00right on, man. sounds like a win-win job to me.right on, man. sounds like a win-win job to me.DanDollarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-49226733273239132942012-08-17T20:12:45.902-07:002012-08-17T20:12:45.902-07:00First of all, thanks for sharing! Girl's Recov...First of all, thanks for sharing! Girl's Recovery Lodge is an interesting concept, and I think you did a good job setting up the catalyst pretty quickly here. The writing's lean, mean and I loved your descriptions of the girls.<br /><br />I agree with Dan's comments here, and I would add that you may want to start your screenplay with something that hints at the genre. If I picked up this script without knowing anything about it, I would be sure it was a drama. It's not really a slow burn if we don't get some foreshadowing or atmospheric set-up right off the bat.<br /><br />Once again, thanks for sharing and keep working on this script!Amy Sutohttp://twitter.com/AmyMSutonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-52931224692344534382012-08-17T12:34:46.444-07:002012-08-17T12:34:46.444-07:00I'm freelance writing instead of designing the...I'm freelance writing instead of designing these days, because the money's more <br />guaranteed. Haha. I'm a much faster non-fiction writer than designer, so<br /> I end up with more free time. Naturally, the obvious choice is to fill <br />that time with even more writing. :P<br /><br /><br /><br />One of these days I'm going to, I just feel like it needs a certain <br />something adding to it. It feels a little empty at the minute. Next time I'm looking over past projects I'll <br />try to figure out what that could be.Rob Taylornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-46674483734246236642012-08-17T12:27:06.948-07:002012-08-17T12:27:06.948-07:00ha i know, i would love to if we can get a decent ...ha i know, i would love to if we can get a decent concept. why the free time? you should write that looper short, that was a sweet idea.DanDollarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-91947705755786135062012-08-17T12:21:34.235-07:002012-08-17T12:21:34.235-07:00lolololol
For what... The sixth time?
I actually...lolololol<br /><br />For what... The sixth time?<br /><br />I actually do still want to, if we can ever come up with something that neither of us can immediately tear apart. I have a bit more free time these days too.Rob Taylornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-11827554823201001262012-08-17T12:20:46.355-07:002012-08-17T12:20:46.355-07:00Feedback Friday. What a brilliant and wonderful op...Feedback Friday. What a brilliant and wonderful opportunity to get your work out there and read. Thank you for this amazing chance. And thank you to everyone who took the time to read my first 10 pages (whether you voted or left a comment or not).<br /><br /><br />I am the writer of GRL and I'm glad to say that, over the course of the 4 months since I submitted this, I have seen many of the same problems you have and am (hopefully) well on my way to fixing them.<br /><br /><br />I have also seen how the first 10 pages can be a really harsh judge of a script. To succeed, you really have to get to the meat of your story, whether it's through main character, the hook, inciting incident, etc.<br /><br /><br />I always knew I wanted GRL to be a slow starter. Sort of slow burn psychological horror. But you can't bore people and you can't make them think you aren't going anywhere. Lots of things about my opening need to be reworked, namely establishing the rules of the house (including why it's located as such) and doing a much better job of introducing not only my protagonist, but also each of the girls (who despite not being the focus of the script, should all be individuals and distinguishable).<br /><br /><br />Thanks to everyone for pointing out all the problems (especially the ones I didn't know I had). And just thanks for reading in general. It's a scary but good feeling getting eyes on your writing. Thanks for the opportunity, Feedback Friday.<br /><br /><br />I'd love to plug my website (which has more samples) but I'll refrain cause I don't know the etiquette. If anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to email me.<br /><br /><br />Cheers.<br /><br /><br />-Mikemjrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-77515188003976665782012-08-17T11:41:43.625-07:002012-08-17T11:41:43.625-07:00i like how you think. let's write a sci-fi spe...i like how you think. let's write a sci-fi spec together.DanDollarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-32724843349080257312012-08-17T10:03:48.906-07:002012-08-17T10:03:48.906-07:00I completely agree with Dan on this one. I did lik...I completely agree with Dan on this one. I did like the first scene starting with an argument but maybe it's a real physical fight between the two girls and Posie has to break it u and then we find out what the fight was about. <br /><br />The way the writer opened it was a bit confusing because I have lived in the suburbs and never saw anything like this either. As I kept reading, the first scene was too long and grew bored reading it. I was skimming after a while just to see where this goes. I also had problems keeping up with all the characters. Making them more distinct in their dialogue would really help. After a while, I felt like all the characters sounded the same. <br /><br />For the next scene when Andrea's talking to Posie, she repeats some of the same information that I don't think is necessary. The conversation could start off with her asking to stay for the overnight shift and generally feel like this scene could be trimmed down as well. <br /><br />I also thought this was going to be more of a horror movie from your logline because you wrote "unsettling nature". If that isn't what you are going for than perhaps you should change it to something else. Might be cool as a horror movie though.Ian Topplehttp://twitter.com/IanTopplenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-20692828915207010222012-08-17T09:59:51.031-07:002012-08-17T09:59:51.031-07:00Not sure where to start with this. It has its good...Not sure where to start with this. It has its good points... But it's probably mostly bad points.<br /><br />First off, you keep contradicting yourself in lines. I feel like this is intended to give it a choppy, edgy feel, like a series of constant surprises. It actually comes across more like you're not keeping track of what you're writing. For example:<br /><br />"A typical quiet suburban street. A typical quiet suburban house. Not typical on this street, though, it’s twice as big.<br /><br />And it’s not quiet."<br /><br />This doesn't give the reader the bombshell effect you're going for here. "...it's twice as big" reads oddly, but I give it a pass because it's understandable. "And it's not quiet," on the other hand, completely contradicts what you just said. We know what you meant and the effect you're going for, but it doesn't work. Also, having these two lines back-to-back diminishes the impact of both. Have one punchline.<br /><br />"DON SCANDRICK, 25, lounges on his couch. Actually it’s a futon."<br /><br />Sorry, but this sounds flat-out stupid. Which is it? This isn't a teenage conversation, it's a movie script.<br /><br />There are a few examples of this occurring, but I just picked one from the beginning and the end.<br /><br />The girls... I've already forgotten their names and who they are. There was a Brianna... I forget the rest. I don't remember any particular differences between them except that the new girl was quiet. For the first ten pages, you have to have more differentiation and impact than this.<br /><br />Also, the protagonist. What happened there? Did she have a complete personality transplant between the group session and the meeting? She goes from being barely in control of a situation to telling her superior fuck you. It might just be me, but that makes no sense whatsoever. I think the point is that she panics at the idea of staying overnight? But at the minute, the audience has no idea why that might be, and she seems to be in a fairly stable state of mind. This comes across as completely irrational behaviour.<br /><br />On the other hand, it was a very quick read, I didn't feel like I'd read ten pages at the end of it. That's sort of good, although when you're introducing multiple characters at once it could feel rushed and confusing.<br /><br />You also got the bitchy conversation of teenage girls pretty much spot-on!<br /><br />Overall... I don't know. I don't really know any of the characters. The main character was fairly translucent through those pages, before she had the confusing personality shift. The concept itself seems... Less than thrilling? I'm guessing she has to deal with the stressful girls while making herself stay away from the alcohol? However, her alcoholism recovery seems to be a matter of general knowledge, and would certainly be in her employment record at such an institution. Thus the idea of her colleague leaving bottles of unattended alcohol around her is either idiotic, malicious, or a forced plot point. I wanted to vote Take Another Pass, but really, I'm not particularly excited by this concept, none of the characters resonate, and I think that the theme could be dealt with in a more compelling way. I'm gonna have to vote (*) Trash It. Take the strong dialogue skills and apply them to a more dramatic concept.<br /><br />On the other hand, if you're trying to write for a $10k indie drama and have a big house available to you... Then ignore that, deal with the issues we've outlined and go for it.Rob Taylornoreply@blogger.com