by Michael Wolpoff In the aftermath of World War Three, a bio-mechanical man must regain his memory in order to provide hope to a dead world- before the establishment that created him silences him forever.
For me, the best aspect of this script is the tech descriptions. They do a good job of providing me with a clear image of this futuristic tech.
Now for the bad:
It as pretty uninteresting overall. The script lacks compelling conflict, and the characters lack interesting characterization.
The world feels like the standard post apocalyptic wasteland, which I might have been ok with if there was some good characterization and conflict.
And then there are the script's technical problems. I won't list them all, but here are my main 2:
1. Lack of information.
"A MAN IN TATTERED DESERT CLOTHES" tells us nothing of the man's physiology. Is he skinny? Fat? Buff? Tall? Short? Same thing with "A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, sharp cheekbones and full lips, complimented by alabaster skin." Is she tall? Short? Is she a Bionic Woman? She's tied to an electronic panel.
It would be nice if we had a bit more specificity than just "desert clothes". What *kind* of desert clothes? A turban? A cloak?
We established at the beginning that it's night time. However, once Bob finds the Bionic Man, the sun is up. And then it's night again when he returns home. Where was the transition between night and day?
You should probably explicitly state that we're in the desert. I didn't know those opening scenes took place in the desert until you began referring to Bob as the "Desert Man" (by the way, why didn't you call him that at the beginning?)
"A hermetically sealed plastic bag, a BEIGE FORM hidden within. The Desert Man SNIFFS, sensing a familiar smell" How do we know that it's a familiar smell? What does he do to convey that idea?
2. Too much information.
"The Desert Man decides to keep digging. He shovels with both hands, motivated by curiosity" We can already assume that he's being motivated by curiosity.
"He is tall, wiry, intense. Always the smartest man in the room. Too smart for his own good, his wisdom eats at his very soul: DR. JULIAN FERRAIRA" Most of that was inside information. How would an audience *know* that he's "too smart for his own good"? We have to make sure we convey character through *action*. What does he *do* to imply that he's too smart for his own good?
All in all, with some more work, you might have something here.
thanks for the advice rogue. I'll definitely add some more specificity to the images, and focus on being more cinematic with the prose. I'll also do more to boost the conflict in these early stages. The script really picks up once they're out of the tunnels (and the world becomes more unique as well), perhaps the answer is to get them out of there faster.
Let's start with the good:
ReplyDeleteFor me, the best aspect of this script is the tech descriptions. They do a good job of providing me with a clear image of this futuristic tech.
Now for the bad:
It as pretty uninteresting overall. The script lacks compelling conflict, and the characters lack interesting characterization.
The world feels like the standard post apocalyptic wasteland, which I might have been ok with if there was some good characterization and conflict.
And then there are the script's technical problems. I won't list them all, but here are my main 2:
1. Lack of information.
"A MAN IN TATTERED DESERT CLOTHES" tells us nothing of the man's physiology. Is he skinny? Fat? Buff? Tall? Short? Same thing with "A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, sharp cheekbones and full lips, complimented by alabaster skin." Is she tall? Short? Is she a Bionic Woman? She's tied to an electronic panel.
It would be nice if we had a bit more specificity than just "desert clothes". What *kind* of desert clothes? A turban? A cloak?
We established at the beginning that it's night time. However, once Bob finds the Bionic Man, the sun is up. And then it's night again when he returns home. Where was the transition between night and day?
You should probably explicitly state that we're in the desert. I didn't know those opening scenes took place in the desert until you began referring to Bob as the "Desert Man" (by the way, why didn't you call him that at the beginning?)
"A hermetically sealed plastic bag, a BEIGE FORM hidden within. The Desert Man SNIFFS, sensing a familiar smell" How do we know that it's a familiar smell? What does he do to convey that idea?
2. Too much information.
"The Desert Man decides to keep digging. He shovels with both hands, motivated by curiosity" We can already assume that he's being motivated by curiosity.
"He is tall, wiry, intense. Always the smartest man in the room. Too smart for his own good, his wisdom eats at his very soul: DR. JULIAN FERRAIRA" Most of that was inside information. How would an audience *know* that he's "too smart for his own good"? We have to make sure we convey character through *action*. What does he *do* to imply that he's too smart for his own good?
All in all, with some more work, you might have something here.
It was pretty uninteresting overall*
ReplyDeletethanks for the advice rogue. I'll definitely add some more specificity to the images, and focus on being more cinematic with the prose.
ReplyDeleteI'll also do more to boost the conflict in these early stages. The script really picks up once they're out of the tunnels (and the world becomes more unique as well), perhaps the answer is to get them out of there faster.