Friday, May 3, 2013


No review today, but you're welcome to post loglines and links to your work in the comments (as many pages as you like.) Maybe some folks will be nice enough to drop in and share their thoughts.

Good luck with your writing,


  1. Hey folks,

    Guess I'll get the ball rollin' this Friday. Here's the first ten of a road trip comedy I recently finished up.

    Logline: A low rent con artist steers his band down a path of mischief that tests their sanity, boundaries, and friendship.

    And here's the ten:

    Thanks, and happy reading/writing,

    Justin R. Robbins

  2. Ok, I'll get involved. Here's the first 22 pages of my London-centric, Gangster romance.

    It's 'The Long Good Friday meets Pretty Woman' and It's called 'Even Roses Have Thorns'....Hope you like.

  3. Hey all,

    Here's the first 14 pages of my modern day pirate tale OCEANUS.

    It's about a German billionaire who finds a treasure map, assembles a crew, and sets out on a harrowing quest for treasure, glory, immortality etc...


  4. Thought I'd share this...if it works...

    A middle-aged gangster is released from prison and becomes Laird of a remote Scottish island where the locals have no respect for authority of any kind.

  5. Hi Rob,

    Thanks for this conduit for feedback.

    Title: Killing Immortal

    Logline: A socially inept girl scientist pursues her dream of an elixir for Immortality causing havoc along the way.



  6. Hi Paul,

    Just finished up your pages. Wonderful read. Kudos. I found it so solid, in fact, that I'd have to go through again with a fine tooth comb and split hairs if i wanted to wring out some hearty feedback.

    At any rate, these are my stray thoughts. Take 'em with a grain.

    As far as the story, I have a tenuous grasp on where things are headed. I have theories, but, nothing I'd place a bet on. I actually thought I had a pretty good handle on it until the final scene. Kinda threw me off.

    You have a great voice, and I wouldn't want to hurt that at all, but, one concern I had was the "unfilmables." They're generally fine in context, but I think you double down when it's unnecessary. i.e.

    "The wolf whistles and general shenanigans quiet down as Nola’s presence is felt across the floor. She is not in a good mood, and when Nola Albano is in a bad mood you better behave!"

    I don't think the "and when Nola..." bit is necessary. You've shown it already, now it seems like you're doubling down. This isn't the only case, and I fear altering the lines like this could mute your voice, so take it with a grain... it's merely something I noticed.

    I like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo vibe, and it's even better when you subvert the expectations with the love songs and bits like that. However, she only seems ill-tempered, as it is pretty easy to run someone down in a car. I think it might behoove you to consider adding a little bit more skill in that initial brawl.

    When Bobby gets what's coming to him, so to speak, I think it might be cool if you added a hint as to what was making him scream. It reads tense as hell, right now, but I was left wondering how he was being done in.

    The only thing that repeatedly took me out of the script (and not for any great amount of time, mind you) was the London-centric colloquialisms and vernacular. It was easy enough to decipher, but that might be something to keep in mind when sending it across the pond.

    Really great read. I struggled (as you can tell) with finding anything worth mentioning. I mean, there's a typo on page 13. "derelict of done up," but damn... very nice work. I look forward to reading more.

  7. Hey Justin, so sorry that I have only just realised that you replied to this post. For some reason I don't get an email when somebody responds?

    Anyway, thanks man for your kind words and feedback. The tone of this one is the most difficult to nail down to be honest...Can I also ask where you THOUGHT it was going before the final scene threw you?

    This one grows into a love story, but one in the real world, and one with plenty of obstacles. I wanted to write a gritty, London-centric gangster movie, but one with a love story at the heart - That is something I've not really seen before. :)

    Thanks again, man.


  8. Tried to return the favour, dude. The link is broken :(

  9. I couldn't shake the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo pre/misconception. Knowing
    what I know now, I feel kinda foolish, and the intrigue has more than
    doubled. It's a great idea, really. I can't say I think you should
    change anything to help clue the reader in for what they're getting
    into... looking back now, with these new eyes, I'm thinkin' I missed the
    boat. You didn't necessarily miss the mark. Even the title clicks.

    Kudos for subverting cliche, here. Keep at it.

  10. No worries. Did some spring cleaning. Always more to come.

    Thanks though. And I can't wait to read more of Even Roses Have Thorns.

  11. Appreciate every word, Justin. Thanks.


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