Review of
“RECIPROCITY”
Reviewed by Jim
Newman (posted
May 14, 2013)
(Screenplay
|
Action,
First 10 Pages)
“From what I’ve read, this reminds me of Gone
in Sixty Seconds coupled
with
Ocean’s Eleven.
Clean writing, fast read, but some components fall short – but
nothing that can’t be fixed with a second draft.”
Let’s
kickoff with the logline:
Original
Logline:
“A
bank thief has a debt placed on him after trying to help his friend
with a Chicago loan shark. He's forced to pull jobs to repay the
debt, but when his sister dies and his nephew moves in, he has to
decide which direction his life is headed.”
Let’s
identify the recommended elements of an effective logline:
Suggestion:
A
bank thief has three days to choose between pulling a heist to save
himself and his friend from a Chicago crime syndicate or retire to
care for his orphaned nephew while in hiding.
Summary:
Vince
cuts up some cocaine, adding some baking soda to skimp on the weight,
while David looks on. They pack it up and take it out for delivery to
the loan shark. David comes packing heat while Vince works with the
shark to clear up a debt with the shark’s enforcer watching over
the exchange. After some disingenuous pleasantries, an ambush occurs
where the cocaine is stolen. Vince is still responsible for paying
the shark back for the money he borrowed to purchase the coke, but
with the product gone there’s no other source of cash. After some
colorful torture, David agrees to take on the debt after paying a
small percentage of the amount owed. Now Vince and David own the
debt.
They take off for the hospital so Vince could get some
much needed medical treatment after his little run in with the boss
and enforcer. David goes off in the opposite direction to visit his
sick sister, who’s choosing to stop treatment and accept death
where she reveals that her son (David’s nephew) will need a man in
his life … and David is the only man she trusts with her son.
Bullet
Pointed Feedback:
What
I Like:
*
Writing is clean, which gives the reader (me in this case) a fast
paced read through the scenes.
* Format/structure is aligned
with the standards. Plenty of white space – always a plus!
*
Yanking out the fingernails gave me a chill down my back. Loved the
idea, you psycho. haha
* The dilemma of taking on the debt to
save his friend (putting himself out on a limb), but now he must
choose: repay the debt or keep himself and his nephew out of harm’s
way.
What
Needs Work:
*
Without having read the logline, I was a bit lost:
> What the story’s backdrop? Wasn’t sure what brought the
characters together until much later.
> Who was
the main character (Vince or David – not until page 10 do we learn
it’s David)?
> Why we should care about the
characters?
* The money owed to the Chicago loan shark seems
to be small dollars and an easy fix for a bank thief. Make it a
challenge and put it in the hundreds of thousands.
* A loan
shark appears to be a low level stooge. Make him more authoritative
like a crime
boss
or top dog of the local drug trade.
* Although dialogue is on
point, it felt a bit forced at times … unnatural. Maybe it was just
how I was reading it and misinterpreted the tone.
* Give a bit
more description of the scene’s location. What do we see around
us?
TYPOS
& GRAMMAR & OTHER NOTES
None
noted.
Rating:
Take Another Pass
Thank you for sharing your work with us! Feel free to send me
your rewrite for additional feedback and a review of your outline, if
available.
