Welcome to the April 5th edition of Feedback Friday.
Email Robert Dillon the first 10 pages of your script and one of our reviewers will be more than happy to provide you notes. There is a rating system that goes accordingly:
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Flesh and Blood
by Jeffrey Nieves
Reviewed by Erman Baradi
A dark serial following the life of a teenager, who happens to be a shapeshifter.
Check out this Google Doc if you would like to read Jeffrey's script!
Thank you very much for allowing me to read your first ten pages. As a fellow a writer I learn a lot from reviewing others' works, so I appreciate your reaching out to FF.
Before we begin I have a very minor note. Correct me if I am wrong (hey! I'm no established professional myself!) but I know most readers don't want to see that you're sending them a "draft 1" of your script. They want to think you have sent them your very best version possible. I suggest removing it from submissions.
What I noticed just a few pages in is you have a very ENGAGING writing style! The action is short and vivid - not too wordy but enough detail to understand the world you set the characters in. May I add that the dialogue and action are never dully written either?
On page 1 we get the dynamics of the two protagonists: younger, lanky brother Liam and older brother Adam. Adam is giving Liam a pep talk, and what I like here is Adam is not speaking "on the nose." As the conversation picks up we realize that Adam is really pep talking Liam about women. When Liam is ready to confront his fear, he suddenly SHAPE SHIFTS into a better looking muscular man! Whoa! That came out of left fiend. What I love here is you broke expectations. It did not take too long for us to be thrusted into this supernatural world and now I am hooked. Questions arise that I want to see answered, like how, where, what, when, how. Great start. By the way, kudos to your description of the shift: "Dude looks like he's having a Richter scale 5 Ashtma attack."
Just a small, nit-picky thing though. I suggest keeping your sluglines consistent on these first 2 pages (EXT. DINGY STRIP CLUB PARKING LOT vs. INT. STRIP CLUB). Or are you suggesting just the outside of it is dingy?
The end of the teaser comes half way through page 3. Good. It's not too far into the story. Page 4 or 5 would have been cutting it. The introduction of the masked and seductive Miss Misery and her dialogue with Liam further proves your ear for dialogue and description. Sentences like her mask was "a delicate porcelain shroud - feminine perfection" allow me to visualize her appearance in my head. Just another note though: you hyphenated the words each other twice and I don't believe they need to be, and Liam's first line on page 4 should be "I want to see you" instead of "I want see you." Also, I prefer the "100%" line from Liam on page five to be written out. Small stuff. When Miss Misery exposes Shift-Liam's bodily scars it intrigues me to learn more of his back story. Or maybe the scars are a direct effect of the shift? We will see. Finally, Miss Misery removes her mask, a juxtaposition of beauty and horror as she, too, is scarred. Now I am starting to really be interested invested in these characters. Also, according to Snyder's beat sheet, by page 5 we should have a theme stated. I could not quite find one.
The next morning