Friday, February 15, 2013

GLAZED HEIST by Tyler Loiselle

Cadence, a twenty-something deadbeat, devises a scheme to steal doughnuts from a local bakery, in an attempt to get her ex-boyfriend back.

Today's review of the first 10 pages of Tyler Loiselle's GLAZED HEIST is brought to you by Erman Baradi.

Erman Baradi is an aspiring screenwriter who graduated from Regent University’s Cinema-Television program. He recently interned at Mosaic Media Group/Atlas Entertainment where he enjoyed working on script coverage for film and television scripts. He is working on launching his own site where you can learn more about him and read writing samples. Erman also works with music artists and books shows. 

You can follow Erman on Twitter @Erman_LA.

Hello, Tyler.

Thank you for allowing me to read the first ten pages of your screenplay! I’ve gotten used to reading full feature scripts from my previous internship, so it is a relief to be responsible for just ten pages! It is truly an honor. With that said, there are details that can be fleshed out a little more to benefit the writing, yet there are definitely parts to the script I really thought worked!

First off, before I even began reading I knew exactly what the movie was about by the title alone. I pictured a donut shop being robbed a la Tower Heist; and, if I may be a little biased, heist movie premises tend to excite me as I envision teams of eccentric individuals clumsily pulling off impossible missions. I still thought the two words in the title were awkward together until I read the script and recognized how people associate having “glazed” eyes with being stone. Smart double entendre there.

The beginning of the story had a nice surprise we wouldn’t typically expect from these types of comedies: a good-looking woman in her late 20’s getting high while playing online gaming with her stoner friend. From the get go we understand who the protagonist is. She’s a foul-mouthed, seemingly free-loading underachiever with a younger, successful boyfriend. A ha! The couple consists of two people with opposing goals and interests and we immediately sense a conflict between them. There is an obstacle facing our protagonist and we are more aware of it than she is. My earlier inkling is revealed here as we understand the dynamics in the relationship. Cadence is spoiled by Lucas letting her stay at his place and drive his car. Lucas is reaching his boiling point with her, and Cadence’s aimlessness is the catalyst to their straining relationship. And exactly what is Drew’s role in Cadence’s life? Best friend?  Brother? We are not quite sure at this point but I can’t wait to see what mischief their similar personalities cause them to pull off.

So far, our protagonist is lazy, constantly disappointing, and lacks direction. Perfect! Has the ingredients to make a “likeable” lead. She has something to attain – er- a LOT to attain. I wonder how much she grows by the story’s end. Hell, we’ve seen this character before, but now we replace Seth Rogen with a babe. 

The next scene shows Lucas coming home late from work. Hmm. We’ve heard that before. Starting not to trust the guy. Cadence is dressed and ready to hit the club with her best friend. I like how this scene is quick. Not having them communicate as much in person in comparison to the previous scene through the phone shows a real detachment between them. This is especially since Cadence’s main goal right now is to get to the club. To add to Lucas’s already growing madness it was a nice touch to have Cadence irresponsibly leave her spare key inside. 

The club scene introduces Cadence’s partner-in-crime, Mel. I would like to know more about her. She gets the job done of being the party girl best friend but her few lines of crude humor are appealing. Hopefully, we see her playing more than just the best friend role. Cadence gets to show off her witty personality here as she rejects a man interested in her, but the scene is really successful in revealing characters that would make us like Cadence more. She is loyal to Lucas and would never cheat on him, drunk as she is.

The drunk driving scene reminds me too much of the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin as Cadence unknowingly side swipes parked cars. It does a good job of displaying Cadence’s unruliness but something to that extent (damaging her boyfriend’s probably expensive car) would make me side with Lucas. Maybe something less damaging like just hitting the trash can? Just a suggestion. 

Now we have reached the inevitable break up. Cadence stumbles in as Lucas has waited all night for her. Depending on how you want Lucas to be portrayed, be careful how you write him in this scene. Here, he is sitting in the dark, appearing almost terrifying. Lucas’s burst with the “sick and tired” line feels a little too sudden. One suggestion is to have his frustration build up to a climax before letting it all out. Perhaps he can ask her more questions about her night and subtly questioning her about how her actual job search is. That way, we can empathize more with him from his perspective (we have to care about her journey in trying to get him back after all, right?). 

The writing so far has had a brisk, comedic pace. My main concern is that even though we see Cadence’s potential undertaking after the break up (as per the log line), we have yet to understand where the bakery comes into play. How is this particular bakery connected to her, if at all? And why these specific donuts? Or does she simply find out about the bakery/donuts from a commercial or ad? Maybe we can add a hint in the beginning somewhere about the bakery’s relevance. Also, what else do we understand about Cadence other than she is a deadbeat? Deadbeats obviously don’t have particular objectives but for our lead maybe we can have some quirky reasons as to why she is the way she is. 

I do see a possible story here. The writing itself is well done, in my opinion, and the dialogue is humorous and fluid. I do enjoy the flashbacks and like how they didn’t interrupt the story but rather added to it. Cadence’s personality definitely indicates a heist that can go wrong in every way, so I am interested in seeing the comedy that pans out. I will say, though, the logline doesn’t quite make it clear why Lucas would take her back if she steals donuts.


TAKE ANOTHER PASS. Keep on writing! This is a comedy that has potential to work and you are onto something here. Please contact me when more of the script is available. I would like to see where the rest of the story takes Cadence.  Thank you once again for allowing me to read.


  1. Erman,

    Thanks so much for your detailed review! I was definitely nervous about this because I felt I had rewritten it and rewritten it over and over until my fingers had fallen off. To address a few of your questions:

    How is this particular bakery connected to her, if at all? And why these specific donuts? In the next 2 pages this is addressed. I didn't want to spoil too much too soon. The inciting incident, is obviously, the break-up and didn't want to forward more pages than needed at this time. But I promise this is clarified.

    Also, what else do we understand about Cadence other than she is a deadbeat?

    It slowly is revealed what happened and why she is the way she is, what she does/what she wants to do. It is not through a specific number of pages, it's through the whole script. I like constantly learning about the characters in the films I enjoy. Maybe that's why I wrote it this way. If I revealed what makes her, her, too soon I'm afraid I'd lose the audience.

    I have changed the loglines a few times haha. I'd changed it after I sent this off to Rob again:

    Cadence, a twenty-something deadbeat, devises a scheme to steal doughnuts from a local bakery holding a contest, to regain her ex-boyfriend's affection.

  2. Tyler,

    There you go! With the revised logline I understand what she will attain from the heist. I also enjoy learning more about the character piece-by-piece. Instead of ten pages I wish I could've read the whole first act! Keep in touch!


  3. I have known Erman through the local music scene back in Virginia Beach and have learned that he keeps things very honest and objective and his insight is very helpful. This is a great example and I look forward to seeing this film!


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