A repressed teen werewolf tracks down her estranged father -- the sheriff of a resort that caters to the hedonistic pursuits of werewolves -- but an outbreak of weaponized rabies turns their bittersweet reunion into a fight for survival.
How It Works
Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then vote and comment on your work.
Normally when I receive a submission I thank the submitter for their contribution, forward it to Dan and Amy, then file it away. But after reading the logline for Chris and Francis's grindhouse horror- I read their pages immediately. Biological warfare and werewolves? How could you not? Great concept. Do the first ten pages deliver on the premise? Let's find out.
We start off in Mexico's Baja peninsula with 17 year old Cassie Youngquist cruising along Route 1 in her Subaru Outback. Not only is she lost, but something has left four claw marks along her driver's side door. Right off the bat I'm wondering who is this girl, where is she going and what the hell did that to her car? Okay, so I'm pretty sure it was a werewolf, but still- I'm along for the ride.
Cassie comes upon an "adobe Catholic Church" and gets out to ask for directions. She meets a "short, frazzled PADRE" and explains that she's looking for her father, Roy Barton, who lives in Moonshine. He tells her that the map is wrong and takes her inside so that she can pull up another map. They enter an anteroom where a "feverish twenty-something man" is "lashed down to a heavy wooden workbench." Cassie sees a "syringe, IV bags and numerous vials" next to him. Naturally, she freaks out. She manages to escape, but during the ruckus the Padre knocks one of the man's restraints loose. A nice little plant that I suspect will lead to a gruesome pay off later on.
After driving a good distance away, Cassie pulls over because she's having a panic attack. She pops some pills, gets back on the road and follows a motorcycle caravan and two pick up trucks to Moonshine.
There's a bunch of rules posted on the way inside but the two most striking are:
There's a bunch of rules posted on the way inside but the two most striking are:
THE DOGCATCHER'S WORD IS FINAL and ABSOLUTELY NO SILVER!
Moonshine is a veritable Mexican Mardi Gras for werewolves, where Cassie quickly encounters a host of characters. I got a little confused here and I think it was because of two things: too many characters introduced too quickly combined with the switching back and forth between events in the bar and events on the street. I think it may help to cut out some of the characters, or depict each scene separately in it's entirety. Despite some confusion, there was some intense action and good characterization. I'd just like to see it play out a little slower.
If you read my notes you'll see how I believe these pages could benefit from another pass. Still, an overuse of capitalization and parentheticals can easily be fixed. The writing itself is very good.
I'm itching to read more. The writers have done an excellent job of setting up some dramatic questions. I'm curious as to what Moonshine is all about. I also want to learn more about Cassie and her relationship with her father. Why is she looking for him? But even more compelling, as I mentioned earlier, is the premise. And concept is king. It's no easy task to put a new spin on a tired genre. With good writing, a resort for werewolves and the promise of weaponized rabbies I've got to ask for ...
( )Trash It
( )Take Another Pass
(*)More Please
( )Somebody Shoot This!
What did you think of Chris and Francis's 1st 10 pages?
Next week Dan gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Michael Scott Reese & Adam Oliver Schwartz's LOCO
Please comment on the 1st 10 pages of Chris HIcks & Francis Lombard's MAD DOGS below.
