Two struggling plumbers hatch a plan to steal Elvis Presley's toilet from Graceland to sell to an eccentric Japanese collector.
How It Works
Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:
Rating
Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!
Readers then vote and comment on your work.
This week Rob read the first 10 pages of THE THRONE by Wayne Nichols.
The logline is pretty succinct. It conveys a good sense of what the story is about. The problem I see is with the premise itself. Why do these plumbers need to steal the King's toilet? Plenty of people are struggling out there. But these guys are employed, as plumbers! The last time I had work done on my toilet I got hosed. I need a pretty compelling reason to believe that these guys would be willing to risk everything and commit grand larceny. Let's see if Wayne was able to pull it off.
I go into more detail about this scene in my notes, but one thing I didn't mention was when Randy gets covered by a geyser of feces. Comedy is about as subjective as it gets, so maybe other people will laugh at this, but I'm just left shaking my head. It came across as way too obvious and expected.
Next we move to a bar scene, where we meet yet another character whose name begins with the letter R. I really got confused here and had to read the page a second time. I think this scene fell flat because there was very little conflict in it. Also, does it need to take place in a bar? I feel like I've seen this scene countless times before. It's where you'd expect to see a plumber after work. Since this is a comedy I'd put them somewhere you wouldn't expect, maybe a pottery class or a weight loss session?
Then we move to a scene where Randy is working on an old acquaintance's toilet. I didn't see the purpose of this scene. It seems that removing it would have no impact on the rest of the story. There was some emotion and conflict, but no purpose. I'm not sure if I coined this acronym (or if my subconscious ripped it off from someone else) but every good scene must have PECs: purpose, emotion and conflict.
We then find Randy and Russ visiting the Rock Museum. This is where the inspiration to steal the toilet comes from, but again there's no conflict. Maybe introduce a security guard, tour guide or another visitor to stir things up. Also, I'd send them to the museum on a plumbing job. Otherwise, it seems as if they arrive there simply to serve the plot.
The final scene of the first ten pages takes place back at Swank's Bar. This is where Russ reveals his plan (to steal the toilet) to Randy. Is this the best place to plan a felony? I'd consider having this discussion start in the museum scene and then move to a more private locale.
Comedy is a tough genre. I'm sure others will disagree, but I just didn't find this funny. The jokes seemed to rely primarily on clique word play and one liners. A bigger problem is the lack of an inciting incident. Russ comes up with this plan to steal the toilet, but why? It's not like they've lost their jobs or been left by their wives, not that you want to go that way either. But I need something to happen. Something that will lead me to believe that their hatching and acting upon such a crazy scheme seems plausible.
There is some good writing here and I think Wayne has potential as a screenwriter. I considered giving this one a Take Another Pass, but the premise killed it for me. I just don't think it's worth spending your time and effort on this one.
(*) Trash It
( ) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please
( ) Somebody Shoot This!
Rob's notes on the 1st 10 pages of Wayne Nichol's THE THRONE
What did you think of Wayne's 1st 10 pages?
Next week Dan gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi's BINDS THAT TIE.
Please comment below on the 1st 10 pages of Wayne Nichol's THE THRONE.
