LION'S SHARE by Eugene James

Logline: Four police detectives plan and pull off the heist of $4.2 million but greed and betrayal threaten to divide them until they are all blackmailed into pulling off a bigger more daring heist of over $30 million from a high security federal vault.

Read the first ten pages here.

Give your feedback in the comments.

CORPSE FLOWER by Michael Kospiah

Pitched as "You're Next" meets "Stranger Things":

LOG LINE: After a brutal home invasion, a determined mother must go head-to-head with a sadistic plastic surgeon to get back her abducted little girl -- a little girl who isn't as innocent as she seems.

Michael is an award-winning screenwriter (Austin Film Festival - 2014) based out of New York City. His feature film, The Suicide Theory (76% on Rotten Tomatoes), received a theater release in the U.S. & Canada and is currently available on Netflix, Amazon and Itunes.

Read Corpse Flower and share your thoughts in the comments.

If you'd like your feature or pilot script to appear on Feedback Friday, send it to Dillonlit @ gmail dot com along with the title, logline, and (if you like) a brief bio. You may use a pseudonym if you don't want your name posted, but you must include your name in the email. By sending a script you acknowledge that it is your own original work to which you retain the rights and that you give permission for it to be posted here in its entirety.

Good luck with your writing!
Rob

Be The Change

Do you have a feature spec or pilot script about a person of color, a woman, a homosexual, a disabled person, or any other type of character who is underrepresented on the big or small screen? If so, feel free to post any details (links, loglines etc.) you’d care to share in the comments.  Good luck with your writing.

• R. D.

Oscar Chat

If anyone's interested in a live chat, this room https://volafile.io/r/Vccldi will be open tonight and tomorrow night. I'll be there at 9:00 EST, but you can join any time.

Also, if you're interested in checking out the Writers' Lab at it's new location:

   wiggio.com/group_open_joi…


- R. D.

Weekly Chat

I'll be launching a chatroom every Sunday night (9 EST, 6 PT) for anyone who wants to talk screenwriting. You can check it out here:Writers' Lab

I'm also thinking about bringing this blog back on a somewhat regular basis, to try and help screenwriters of all levels work on their craft and maybe get some exposure. Let me know in the comments (or via email) if you'd like to help out along with any ideas you may have for it.

- R.D.

ADAM

by Michael Wolpoff

In the aftermath of World War Three, a bio-mechanical man must regain his memory in order to provide hope to a dead world- before the establishment that created him silences him forever.

Eric Heisserer On TV Pitches

I'm a little tipsy, it's a Monday night, and I just hit a milestone with the Kingkiller pilot script. Might be time to talk TV pitches.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Now, TV pitching is a strange beast. I was trained to pitch features, and there are a few notable differences in the two.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

I should once again declare this is all in my experience, YMMV, obviously, there you go that's outta the way.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

TV tends to start with a producer or a "pod" (a company that develops TV properties), then goes to studio, and finally to networks/buyers.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So you still have layers of pitching as you do in the feature world, only there are interesting new rules in this game.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

At the start, the TV developers don't want me to bring them a fully-formed pitch. They just want "areas" -- visual playgrounds, characters.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

I believe this is largely due to the fact that the good TV producers have a constant feed to the studio/network and know what will sell.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So it feels weird but usually I can start with some sketches, or central questions, and see what lights the fires in their eyes.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

This means you can come in with four or five basic ideas -- and they can be completely different in scope and genre. Which is cool.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Then comes the first hard work: Building a basic pitch of the show from that initial sketch of an idea. Still with the producer on this.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Once you have a five-minute version of this down, you go into the studio where that producer has a deal/relationship and share it.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Again, as a feature guy, this pitch still feels like a skeleton. Unanswered questions. Holes. But the studio WANTS that. Wants in early.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So you get a lot of notes and refine that sucker. Build it out. And usually you gear it for its 'best chance' buyer: a related network, etc.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

What you'll notice: The tone of the show has a tendency to shift during this course. Figure out how much you want to bend with it.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

There are some who can play a political game of "I'll change it to X for the network now, but write it as Y later." I'm no good at that.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So sometimes you have to be willing to flip a switch and change the tone from gritty HBO to bright ABC, or walk away from your only buyer.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

That is tough, especially when you're just trying to get in the door or pay bills. But my scars say: Don't make Future You miserable.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

If you've seen a show that seems confused as to what it wants to be, odds are the creator(s) and the network have two different ideas.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

I've developed for TV for 8 years now, and nothing makes you feel like Charlie Brown vs the football more than this.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

The great and wonderful thing about it is: They love original ideas. Unlike the feature pitching world, where it's OWAs galore.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Half of my 8 pilot scripts were original concepts, the other half adaptations from various source material. Just FYI.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So now back to the interesting rules of this world -- the elements of a TV pitch are actually pretty strict. Like a checklist of things.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

A lot of studios will have pitch documents for you as a guide -- ask for them if you don't get one early on. They can be very helpful.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

@SamuelDMiller Yeah, absolutely. There is little to no difference either way -- adaptations in TV are incredibly loose.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

The basic elements I've seen in every doc are as follows: 1) Talk about how the project is personal to you; your way into the show.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Best case: You're going to be in a room generating material for years on this show, so right up front the buyer needs to see your passion.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

With the personal story intro, you often talk about the overall concept or central question -- the thing that got everyone excited.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

That's our 2) the central idea/question. Sometimes stated as a 'What if' question.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

In features, you tend to have 2 kinds of pitches -- the ones that start "What if..." (concept) or that start "There's a guy" (character).
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

.@HIGHzurrer you can also find all of mine online right here! http://t.co/BaSSN7iPX8
— javi grillo-marxuach (@OKBJGM) April 8, 2014

The winning TV pitch is an engaging mix of both: "What if there's a guy..." (Or lady, depending on the story).
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So after that, the 3) element TENDS to be the start of the pilot. Paint a picture, get specific, talk about the teaser. Dash thru act one.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

And then you pull back a bit and get into more broadstrokes for the other acts of the pilot, stepping aside for character discussion.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Some networks want to hear characters all up front, but I've found it's more organic to halt a pitch and talk characters as they're intro'd.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

So if the rest of the pilot and characters is our number 4, number 5 is: What is season one? Where are we going?
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

And beyond that -- what does season two look like from here? Who are the major villains? What is the new arc for the hero(es)?
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

Networks will want you to have a few episode ideas loosely broken out so they know the show works week-to-week.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

@TheJudalina I do tend to bring visuals of known actors for dream casting, usually from the feature world because TV wants to abduct them.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

That is the very basic breakdown of a pitch. The whole thing should run you about 25 minutes, and you want to save some stuff for Q&A after.
— Eric Heisserer (@HIGHzurrer) April 8, 2014

BRUISER (Short Film) by Mattson Tomlin

Mattson Tomlin's ...

BRUISER from Mattson Tomlin on Vimeo.

TRUE CRIME (Pilot) by Brandon Marshall

Two brothers working as guns for hire amidst the brutal drug trade of San Arbor begin to attract corrupt police, power-hungry city officials and the volatile drug cartel that runs it.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ti7m0lkcdv7oq7h/TCPilotScript.pdf

If you'd like your feature length spec or pilot posted send a logline and publicly shared dropbox link to Specpimp at gmail dot com.

Good luck with your writing,
Rob

INFAMOUS (Pilot) by Phil Brody

Read the Teaser and 1st Act of Phil Brody's limited event series pilot ...

infamaous

Fame becomes a double-edge sword for two aspiring actresses hell-bent on avenging the cold-blooded murder of their friend.

If you'd like your feature length spec or pilot posted (in whole or in part) send it to:

specpimp at gmail dot com

UNDEATH by Nick Morris

After being murdered to advance the development of an exclusive golf resort, a mountain man is offered resurrection as an undead killing-machine to take revenge. But vengeance is only the beginning.

Read UNDEATH

Changes

How It Works

Send your feature length screenplay or pilot script (along with a logline and title) to specpimp at gmail dot com. I'll post one every week for readers to comment on.

Good luck with your writing,
Rob

Case #3756 by Lanny Helton

Sorry we have been quiet in the past week! Thank you for checking out this week's Feedback Friday review. This week, Lanny Helton shares the first 10 pages of his screenplay Case #3756.

Case #3756 by Lanny Helton. 

Reviewed by Erman Baradi

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Logline: An unlikely pair of seasoned cops are caught in a serial killer’s diabolical scheme to humiliate their department and kidnap the object of his affection.

Lanny,

Thank you for submitting your screenplay for review. It is not very often I get a chance to read a psychological thriller so it was a breath of fresh air to get one. Sometimes they can get a little convoluted and confusing, but the first 10 pages of Case was definitely an enjoyable read.  

Remember to throw in a cover page so that we remember who the reader is and what we are reading! Looking at your logline, what catches my attention is that the two leads are “unlikely” partners, meaning that even though they share a common goal (catching a serial killer) we can expect their personalities to clash, increasing the drama that can cost the entire department. Also, the antagonist has two different problems for the police? Which one will the department care more about: their reputation or the damsel in distress?

I like how we are immediately introduced to the villain in the first scene after painting the seediness of the story’s setting. The character himself has this Patrick Bateman-esque quality to him in that he comes across as a normal guy before surprising us with a few quirks that make us suspicious. He seems like an everyman at first, which is more effective in this instance than a masked lunatic who hides in the shadows. He is out in the open and among us. Here, he has a rendezvous with a prostitute at a motel, which is nothing out of the ordinary until the camera comes into play. He’s not there for sex, instead recording their conversation. Things get odd here and we know things won’t end well for the prostitute! You provide the killer with a sense of voyeurism, relevant to today’s obsession with iPhones, Vine videos, web chats, and this can definitely work in evoking paranoia amongst the audience. The dialogue between the killer, Billy, and the clueless prostitute is pitch perfect as we are sensing a danger that the victim does not, and the payoff is a sudden, violent rage that is contradicted by Billy’s cool manner after the murder. He is the perfect murderer! I suggest extending the dialogue a bit more so we get insight into the way Billy functions –his mannerisms, quips, and especially what makes him reach his breaking point to finally go in for the kill. 

By the way, I noticed this in Billy’s character introduction as well as for the other characters. To really sell a role to an actor you can have witty descriptions in a sentence or less. For example, instead of just mentioning Billy’s name and age you can name drop a memorable pop culture icon such as Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, some type of reference to go by.

We are then introduced to one of the cops who cannot sleep, troubled by a case similar to the opening scene. He watches a VHS tape in which a killer captures a murder on tape. This is apparently now a theme for the story and I would like to see how it is handled in terms of paralleling the modern technology-driven world. We capture moments big and small and immediately share them to the world. In some cases we are anonymous. By the way, I didn’t quite catch this but is the story set in the 90’s or in the present? I noticed the tape watched by Officer Johnson in this scene was filmed in 1991, but I wasn’t sure if he was watching an old case. And maybe the killer himself is an old school VHS aficionado? 

The next few pages introduce more characters. We have Special Agent Corbet (Andrea), the other half of the unlikely duo. It’s always refreshing to see co-ed cop duos. As Officer Johnson (Kevin) is thrown into this partnership, we immediately get that Andrea is a strong-willed woman who is probably married to her job and wears the pants in the partnership. In the way we met Officer Johnson (Kevin), I would like to see Andrea with more depth. We had a glimpse into Kevin’s troubled personal life, and here it feels like Andrea simply shows up on screen. My favorite movie characters are the ones you think you know in the first few seconds. Think Lethal Weapon when we are introduced to Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs. He is drinking, holding a gun while looking at a picture of his (presumably) dead wife. He says nothing in the entire scene but the expression on his recognizably depressed face paints his backstory for us. So far, Andrea is just a hot agent with a rack…and apparently she has a mouth on her. Still, I look forward to seeing how the new partners interact. Maybe teaming up will affect their egos, especially the older and seemingly burned out Kevin? We also meet Wendy who is trying to find her big break in the newsroom. Hmm, could she be the possible object of Billy’s affection?

I like how we see Billy trying to get an upgrade on his camera. He is insistent on having a good quality camera, which I find to be a nice little quirk for a maniac! Showing him interacting with society has that Ariel Castro effect. The killer can be anyone. 

Lanny, I enjoyed the first 10 pages of your script. Page 11 has evident formatting errors that can easily be fixed, but I’m sure you tossed it in there in order for the reader to understand the plot point in which Kevin’s old partner is reassigned. Depending on how the whole voyeurism angle is played, I believe you have a serial killer significant to the times. I hope to read more!


If anyone is interested in reading the first ten pages of Case #3756, please email me at Erman.Baradi@gmail.com!


-Erman

Comic Book Heroes by Matthew Arnold Stern

Thank you for checking out this week's Feedback Friday review. This week, Matthew Arnold Stern shares the first 10 pages of his screenplay Comic Book Heroes.

Comic Book Heroes by Matthew Arnold Stern. 

Reviewed by Erman Baradi

Genre: Comedy

Logline: Four college roommates search for a famous comic book author who disappeared. 


Matthew,

It was a pleasure reading the first ten pages of your screenplay. Heroes was a fun read and I definitely would love to see where you go with this. 

Let's start off with your logline. Several ways I can think of to make it stronger and pack more of a punch is:

1. Spice it by letting us know what is at stake for the roommates. What's in it for them? We want to know how we can connect with our protagonists. Do they have a connection with the author?

2. Is there a time constraint? How long do they have to find him? Limiting the heroes' time to find the author would up the ante in terms of consequence. What happens if they don't find the author?

3. Are they overcoming other obstacles (personal, physical, emotional) amidst their search that would hinder their goal?

4. Maybe add an adjective to describe the roommates to let us know what the genre is (ie. Are they "inept" or "senseless?"). Heck, maybe they are fanboys and stoners.


Your first page has me hooked as we dive right into pages of the aforementioned comic. The story within the story is action-packed and makes me want to know more about the comic book. Nice visual aspect in the first scene with the flipping of the comic book pages to produce an animated feel. Here, female protagonist Amy narrates a script she is writing based on the roommates' favorite comic book. I like the surprise here where one of the roommates' interrupts the narration, bringing us into the real world and introducing us to the characters, whereby he expresses his disappointment in Amy's straying from the source material/canon. Maybe a little wink to Hollywood? It made me laugh a bit. There are a few notes here though. In Amy's character description I personally would hold back from describing her as a "21-year-old English major at Fullerton" when all we hear is her voice at the beginning. Perhaps wait to describe her until the narration ends and we finally see her physically. Even then, her choice in major and college is not something we can acknowledge visually. The dialogue a few pages in does, however, help explain that for you. Also, in the narration since Amy is a V.O., I would indicate the character she is voicing by writing AMY/HEROINE or AMY/VILLAIN. Visually, on the script, it would help the reader understand quicker who she is voicing rather than having to read back the action above.

I like the interplay between the four roommates a lot! Total geekdom, passionate about the material. They all have a role in the following week's "ThrillerCon," for which they are trying to complete the story, their costumes, etc. (They are submitting script to fan fiction contest at the convention) Their individual needs and voices are distinct here. 

Page 4 has talking heads. I suggest breaking the dialogue up with small action here and there for the characters. Also, I begin to understand the double entendre in the title. Clever!

I commend you so far on the writing of the character. It is a realistic portrayal of college students from their wardrobes to their habits, from their frustrations to their goals (the superficial and the career-oriented), and from their distresses to their vices. I believe the demographic can really relate to the characters, especially comic book nerds! Personally, I would spread out divulging into Trent's issues. That way it feels like we are growing with him and are on a journey. Letting us know it all in one scene of dialogue feels like it's more explanation than dialogue. Otherwise, the touches with him becoming what his father wants him to be has been seen many times before but is still reality-based. He, like many college students, are at an identity crisis I look forward to exploring as the story progresses. 

Page 10 ends on the introduction of a new character who seems extremely important to the story, and will potentially thrust them into their journey. Good place to introduce her. I am wanting to get to page 11 now!

Thank you for throwing in pop culture references! It feels like a must in this type of story, and you write them in naturally rather than forced, especially during discussions of the movie version of the comic book. 

Kudos for an entertaining read. The characters have appeal and the world you have structured is tailor-made for those who enjoy The Big Bang Theory or Comic Book Men. Maybe there are action sequences in the vein of Kick Ass? We shall see!

Keep writing! I'm intrigued.


If anyone is interested in reading the first ten pages of Comic Book Heroes, please email me at Erman.Baradi@gmail.com!


-Erman

Open House

Hi folks, no review today but we should be back with one next week. If you'd like your pages considered please email me (Rob) at dillonscreenwriting at gmail dot com.

If you'd like to post your own pages this week feel free to do so by adding a link to them in the comments. Good luck with your writing!

IN THE YEARS OF SONDER by Sly Ada

Hi folks, no review today but I'm excited to share the 1st 10 pages of Sly Ada's IN THE YEARS OF SONDER. 

A sci-fi actioner set in 2045, the story follows two idealistic, advanced humans whose lives get turned upside down when a research doctor hunts them for experimentation.

If you'd like feedback on your 1st 10 pages email me (Rob) at: dillonscreenwriting at gmail dot com.

UNION by Joshua Lee Andrew Jones

Thank you all for checking in on this week's edition of Feedback Friday. Joshua Lee Andrew Jones shares his futuristic science-fiction inspired by Odyssey and Blade Runner. 

Union by Joshua Lee Andrew Jones

Reviewed by Erman Baradi

Genre: Science-Fiction

Original Logline: The ruling Excelsis, scientifically engineered humans, call upon a natural man with extraordinary talent to help quell an android rebellion on Mars in exchange for permission to marry so he goes on a special operation that cripples the insurrection only to return home to greater challenges as the Excelsis do not live up to their end of the bargain and he happens to foster a special Martian refugee who might be the next step in human evolution. 




Andrew,

I notice right off the bat that you're title page is blank. Make sure not to forget all that vital info next time. Script readers will be thrown if they aren't sure what they are reading and by whom from the get go. Also, your logline reads a little long. I think you can actually cut it in half and leave it as:

The ruling Excelsis, scientifically engineered humans, call upon a natural man with extraordinary talent to help quell an android rebellion on Mars in exchange for permission to marry...

This alone, we get who the protagonist is and what makes him unique enough to be called upon; who is enemies are (androids); and what he is trying to achieve. Notably, it is good to point out that we are dealing with opposing entities (natural humans interacting with scientifically enhanced beings). I personally would mention who the protagonist intends to marry so that we are emotionally involved in the subsequent romance. By doing so, we are also interested in finding out WHY he needs permission to wed. 

Your first ten pages were a brisk, descriptive read that drew me into the story but could use quite a few tweaks. 

With this being a sci-fi set in the future you have done well with creating this universe for the audience. Kudos! You introduced technology common in similar sci-fi films set in the far future such as service robots, laser map grids, etc. Additionally, none of them are written in to be flashy. These cool gadgets so far all have a purpose in this world. I do suggest, however, describing the climate. Very rare do these films have clear skies. I would like to know how the rule of androids have affected the environment. Do they treat the Mother Earth worse or better than humans? Is it generally polluted and smoggy? Furthermore, I know the physical attributes of these characters but what are they wearing? What styles set apart each level of the hierarchy? I hope they don't wear the cliched silver one-piece suits!

You are very deliberate with the way each character acts, responds, and interacts with others. Protagonist Syd is going through a lot of inner turmoil over his circumstances of being low on the hierarchy, whereas scientifically-altered Zelda plays his calmer half and voice of reason. I also loved how the kickass 30-something mother and her catatonic, almost son Bodhi are written in the intense opening scene. I would like to see what role they play in the bigger scheme of things. Bodhi returns on page 10, captured by who appears to be the main antagonist. Safe to see, he is likely the child Syd has to rescue in order to save humanity. Each character so far plays his or her specific role with their distinctive emotional depths. 

One of the things I noticed in your writing is the abundant use of similes. Granted, with the story set in the future it is natural to help us relate to these gadgets and new environments through the use of similes, yet sometimes it can feel repetitive. Rather than use "like" a lot, find a way to creatively switch it up every now and then. 

Despite the intriguing premise, there are grammatical errors that can slow it down. Pay particular attention to minor spelling errors and subject-verb agreements. Examples include:

Page 1 - "A service ROBOT CLEANS" rather than "A service robots clean"
Page 3 -"ITS limits onward" rather than "it's limits onward"
Page 4- "A silvery eye" rather than "an silvery eye"
Page 4: "If Norse god Odin WERE a woman" rather than "If Norse god Odin where a woman"
Page 4: "computer monitor that DISPLAYS" rather than "computer monitor that display"
Page 4: Zelda's line "but with those test results OTHERS will have" rather than "other's"
Page 5: "His EYES narrow in disbelief" rather than "His eye narrow in disbelief"
Page 6: "ITS turbo prop fans" rather than "it's turbo prop fans"
Page 7: "Whoa" rather than "woah" 
Page 9: Zelda's line "That's what MOTHERS do" rather than "That's what mother's do" 
Page 10: "Next to AN alcove" rather than "next to and alcove"

During your rewrite be mindful of these errors as agents and managers will take note of these habits. 

I suggest working exposition into the dialogue without uncovering too much at once. The scene on page 5 when Zelda points out Syd is a "neutral" and the downside of being one in this world, it plays well because Zelda is putting him in his place. However, other times it seems like explaining too much to the audience. Once again, it is difficult in this genre to show rather tell but it is possible. 

On Page 9, the supporting character states the theme of the story: "You don't need to trust technology, only yourself." With that being said, I sense the inevitable showdown between human and robot. Juicy! Perfect timing as the very next scene you introduce the main villains, Android Alpha and Janus. They have strapped up 10-year-old Bodhi. They seem like the perfectly twisted villains by the end of page 10. As stated in your logline we know that Syd's relationship will be at stake. Zelda's mentions his girlfriend Penelope but I wish we are introduced to her earlier on so we have a connection to the love story. 

In an essence, we have a futuristic story where one must save a very important child to save humanity. It is familiar yet I an interested in seeing how this will differ from others. Also, I like the concept of the hero battling BOTH androids and humans. Like in "The Walking Dead," the stakes are raised when the heroes are up against two forces - one of them being their own kind! I do wonder, though, who created the androids and how they rose to power. Hopefully, these questions are answered further into the screenplay. 

Overall, you have an enjoyable first ten pages and I am captivated by the world you have created. The title makes me wonder if the "union" describes the marriage Syd seeks, a revolution against the androids, or a possible relationship between man and robot. Intaeresting title. By the way, you definitely have guts for writing this type of film. They can definitely be hit and miss. When I, Robot was released nine years ago it grossed almost $350 million, yet last year's Total Recall remake only grossed $58 million domestically. There is definitely a market for your screenplay. Fix up the grammatical errors, spice up the dialogue, and flesh out the characters' identities some more and I would be glad to read an updated script!

Rating: TAKE ANOTHER PASS

I would love to read the rewrite!



Best,
Erman


-Erman Baradi-

RECIPROCITY by Michael Gorrie

Review of “RECIPROCITY”
Reviewed by Jim Newman (posted May 14, 2013)
(Screenplay | Action, First 10 Pages)

“From what I’ve read, this reminds me of Gone in Sixty Seconds coupled with Ocean’s Eleven. Clean writing, fast read, but some components fall short – but nothing that can’t be fixed with a second draft.”

Let’s kickoff with the logline:

Original Logline: “A bank thief has a debt placed on him after trying to help his friend with a Chicago loan shark. He's forced to pull jobs to repay the debt, but when his sister dies and his nephew moves in, he has to decide which direction his life is headed.”

Let’s identify the recommended elements of an effective logline:

• The logline hits these chords:
  • Protagonist – Bank thief
  • Goal/Mission – Choose between repaying a debt to loan shark or care of his nephew
  • Antagonist – Organized crime boss
  • Irony – A bank thief is conflicted between saving his friend and caring for his nephew
• The logline lacks the following essential elements:
  • Time – How long does he have to repay the debt?
  • Structure – More than one sentence – will need to cut without sacrificing the other elements

Suggestion:

1. A bank thief has three days to choose between pulling a heist to save himself and his friend from a Chicago crime syndicate or retire to care for his orphaned nephew while in hiding.

Summary:
Vince cuts up some cocaine, adding some baking soda to skimp on the weight, while David looks on. They pack it up and take it out for delivery to the loan shark. David comes packing heat while Vince works with the shark to clear up a debt with the shark’s enforcer watching over the exchange. After some disingenuous pleasantries, an ambush occurs where the cocaine is stolen. Vince is still responsible for paying the shark back for the money he borrowed to purchase the coke, but with the product gone there’s no other source of cash. After some colorful torture, David agrees to take on the debt after paying a small percentage of the amount owed. Now Vince and David own the debt.

They take off for the hospital so Vince could get some much needed medical treatment after his little run in with the boss and enforcer. David goes off in the opposite direction to visit his sick sister, who’s choosing to stop treatment and accept death where she reveals that her son (David’s nephew) will need a man in his life … and David is the only man she trusts with her son.
Bullet Pointed Feedback:
What I Like:
* Writing is clean, which gives the reader (me in this case) a fast paced read through the scenes.

* Format/structure is aligned with the standards. Plenty of white space – always a plus!

* Yanking out the fingernails gave me a chill down my back. Loved the idea, you psycho. haha

* The dilemma of taking on the debt to save his friend (putting himself out on a limb), but now he must choose: repay the debt or keep himself and his nephew out of harm’s way.
What Needs Work:
* Without having read the logline, I was a bit lost:
> What the story’s backdrop? Wasn’t sure what brought the characters together until much later.
> Who was the main character (Vince or David – not until page 10 do we learn it’s David)?
> Why we should care about the characters?

* The money owed to the Chicago loan shark seems to be small dollars and an easy fix for a bank thief. Make it a challenge and put it in the hundreds of thousands.

* A loan shark appears to be a low level stooge. Make him more authoritative like a crime boss or top dog of the local drug trade.

* Although dialogue is on point, it felt a bit forced at times … unnatural. Maybe it was just how I was reading it and misinterpreted the tone.

* Give a bit more description of the scene’s location. What do we see around us?

TYPOS & GRAMMAR & OTHER NOTES

None noted.
Rating: Take Another Pass

Thank you for sharing your work with us! Feel free to send me your rewrite for additional feedback and a review of your outline, if available.

- Jim Newman -