RRH by Marc Johnson

As a biochemist dives into a secret project she’s forced to confront the family legacy and a werewolf’s desire for supremacy over mankind.

Marc W. Johnson's RRH

Review of the first 10 pages

by Script Doctor Eric
@ScriptDrEric

Marc!

First, thank you for giving me the privilege to explore the unique world you have created.  Every screenplay is a personal and intimate creating, and I feel lucky to have the opportunity to experience so many as a script reader and consultant.

The title is the first impression a reader has with a script.  What is "RRH?"  A biological term?  An acronym of some sort?  It creates a bit of mystery - as I'm wondering what it is - but you may risk confusing the reader, and missing the opportunity to hook them with a title that fits the kind of script they are looking for.  

If "RRH" is actually a bit scary, then you're probably better off writing out the full name of whatever it is.  Or choose another name the gives us the genre of the script by the title, such as "Werewolf Killers" or "Monster Hunters" or something better than those names I just came up with off the top of my head.

The script starts of strong, with a violent, exciting opening scene.  Entrails!  Werewolf!  Katana?  Yes, a katana!  Nice.  I can't wait to see what happens...

But then...we're in a mansion...and it's after a party?  There's some talk of some project...but I'm not really sure how that's related to the opening scene.  

They just shot a werewolf!  All the talk should be about how they are going to go out an hunt this sucker down!  Maybe Rose wants to go, but they don't want her to.  Or Alex is planning the next stage, and needs Rose's help?  Whatever it is, keep the monster hunting story going, (with conflict!  verbal sparring!  opposing interests!) even when they're not out in the wilderness hunting monsters.

The other large note I had was, by this time, it should be clear who our protagonist(s) is.  But I'm not sure.  I thought it was John and Alex, but when we begin to follow Rose, now I'm thinking it could be Rose.  The script will vastly improve if you pick ONE main character, and really make it about their quest.  I'd choose Rose - she seems the most interesting.  But get her in the script faster (maybe she's in the car while Alex and John fight the werewolf?).

Also, a few writing choices pulled me out of the script while reading.  One is the lack of description or age when a character is first introduced.  If we don't know an approximate age, or what they look like, it is going to be tough to picture them as the story goes along.  It's an easy fix.

Lastly, and this is big... there is a huge overuse of semicolons.  That's a punctuation mark you rarely see, and for good reason - it's difficult to use correctly.  I'd consult Strunk & White's Element's of Style pronto.  (I don't get any money for recommending them...but I should!)

Also pay attention to comma usage.  And a few punctuation choices.  And some awkward grammar.
Because in the end, half of screenwriting is writing.  

In fact, it's probably more like 75%.  

Good start!  Keep it going!

Seriously, and...

Onward!

-Eric
www.scriptdoctoreric.com

Rating: TAKE ANOTHER PASS 

Notes on the first 10 pages of Marc's screenplay
by Script Doctor Eric
(Known as "SDEric" in this document)

BEAVER DAMNED by S. de Waard

A closet porn starlet, who sides as a contract marriage terminator, is sued for alienation of affection. Sentenced to community service at the ex-wife's church, she rouses the rookie Reverend and all hell breaks loose.

This week guest reviewer Jeremy Sheldon takes a look at the 1st 10 pages of S. de Waard's

BEAVER DAMNED

I guess we all know that the first ten pages are crucial: they need to gain the confidence of the script-reader in a script-development situation; they need to hook the audience should the piece eventually be filmed and distributed. For these obvious reasons is it essential that they “go” like the proverbial “clockwork” when it comes to establishing plot, character, theme and tone.

This having been said, I think it’s unfair to “pronounce” on anyone’s script if only the first ten pages are available, so I’ll simply record my thoughts, trying to balance out (a) what I think works or has potential against (b) what I think doesn’t work or what I think diminishes that potential as far as anyone can guess at this stage. I’ve added some annotations on the script itself, responding to dialogue, scene action and so forth. So I think I’m going to use this comment section to discuss the concept more generally (though this may mean I have to refer back to annotations from time to time).

To begin with the logline: I think this works potentially and seems to offer the necessary constituent comic elements (e.g. intelligent irreverence in the face of dumb, lumpen indignation). But success obviously lies in the execution.

For instance, how you handle the “legal mechanics” of the sentencing to community service is important; goof your way through this clumsily and you probably consign what follows to feeling more superficial than you plan. The resultant piece might still be funny, and even successful, but it might also lead to a different kind of comedy film to the one you’re envisaging.

Similarly, control of Reymee’s characterization and process of character development is going to be pivotal if this isn’t going to feel like just another lazily lewd comedy. Hopefully, you know where you’re going in relation to character development and which unconscious flaws Reymee is wrestling with as she prosecutes her plot-line with the rookie priest.

On the subject of character, I think your protagonist is immediately “likable”, by which I simply mean that I think the audience could empathize with her and be prepared to follow her on her narrative journey. She’s “damaged”, sure (and I say this not as a result of an automatic assumption about all adult entertainment starlets, but in recognition of that fact that your storyline doesn’t present her circumstances as positive, plus she implies she was abused). But she needs to be, or there’s no story, and this damage sits in engaging counterpoint to her positive qualities: her intelligence, her self-awareness and her winning dark irony. 

In this sense, she reminds me a little of the protagonist of Young Adult played by Charlize Theron. Okay, that character’s damage was manifest within much more conventional life situations than the porn industry, but there’s the potential here to portray a similarly punchy, unrepentant and dysfunctionally layered female lead "acting out" in the company of more suburban and straight-laced folk. I guess we also can’t forget thatYoung Adult was written by Diablo Cody whose precision of dialogue and characterization earned her one of those little golden statuettes for Juno. 

So, for me, notes on this section of the script need to help you see where possibly you’re not operating with a sufficient level of precision. I’ve pointed out a few moments that I think are worth more of your attention in my annotations: slightly fluffy (excuse the pun) lines of dialogue such as Jimmy Paged’s, and moments where the logic of the situation feels opaque, even if we acknowledge the wisdom of “Show, don’t tell”. For instance,why is her money stored at her father’s? If the script satisfactorily explains this later (will it?), then this could be all to the good. But it still might not explain why she isn’t more angry with her father (a wonderfully gruff character, by the way) or, at least, why she allows him to mollify her so easily (and he might have to work harder on this act of mollification in my opinion, as I’ve mentioned in my annotations).

To continue in this direction, I like the scene in the doctor’s office. Her glance at the diagram of fallopian tubes on the wall was a perfectly pitched moment of deadpan irony (Reymee’s most affecting dramatic gear?), as was her line about counseling women to “embrace their vaginas” and other nuances. But, again, consistent precision is key here when it comes controlling the comic tone of the piece, and I think you need to be careful you don’t fumble certain moments. For instance, I’m not sure the moment the doctor drops the “PAP apparatus” isn’t a little too obvious in a piece that already seems capable of a sharper kind of comedy.

As I’ve mentioned in the annotations, I also think the title is another example of a comic element that’s pulling in the wrong direction. It’s confrontational, which is great, but the punning element on “Beaver” just feels like it can’t escape echoes of a more crudely sluttier kind of comedy (American Pie, Porky’s, Animal House). In the end, I can’t get images out of my head of Priscilla Presley handing Leslie Nielsen a stuffed beaverThe Naked Gun. 

So...watch out that more obvious jokes don’t take over, nor that the raw “attitude” of your character supplants tightly controlled character development. Attitude is desperately important, of course, but if the logic of the story doesn’t hang together, attitude probably won’t carry the piece. As Alexander Mackendrick (another comic writer with a little golden statuette) writes: “Comic structure is simply dramatic structure but MORE SO: neater, shorter, faster.” - JS 

Rating: Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

Jeremy Sheldon (@JeremyRSheldon) has worked for over a decade in film development. He has read scripts for several major production companies and currently works as a writer and script-editor for a number of producers.

Jeremy's Notes

I AM CARLY CHEN by Jimmy Zhang

No review this week, but Jimmy Zhang is looking for feedback on the 1st 10 pages of
I am Carly Chen.

CINDERELLA: AFTER THE FAIRY TALE by Katherine Botts

A dark and re-imagined Cinderella where after the downtrodden woman gets her wish she struggles with court life and escaping her fairy godmother’s sinister demands.  Loosely based on historical figures amid the growing unrest of pre-revolution France. 

Please check back tomorrow 1/6/13 for Jim's review of the 1st 10 pages of Katherine Botts's Cinderella: After The Fairy Tale

ONE BY ONE by Corey Swim

Faced with the systematic slaughter of his former team, a retired American Martial Arts assassin must uncover the truth before it's too late.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 

This week Eric looked at the 1st 10 pages of Corey Swim's ONE BY ONE.

Corey Swim's ONE BY ONE

Review of the first 10 pages

by Script Doctor Eric

Logline: Faced with the systematic slaughter of his former team, a retired American Martial Arts assassin must uncover the truth before it's too late.

Cory!  Thank you for allowing me to enter into the world you've imagined.  You are clearly a fan of the action genre, and your passion bleeds through these pages as if it were blood flowing from the bodies of the assassins cut down by the bullets of your heroes. :)

That said, the biggest improvement you can make right now to the script is in the writing.  There are action scenes, but they can be described in much, much, MUCH greater detail.  Instead of pulling out a "gun," can he pull out a Glock 9mm?  When someone is shot, tell us where they are hit, if they go down, crashing into the grandfather clock, shards of glass digging into their skull...get dirty with those deets!

Especially in that opening sequence, man.  This is the opening of your script!  This is where you demonstrate how bad ass of a writer you are!  It's also the one spot where the general reader will give you a little leeway to play around.  You don't have to launch the story, but the action has to be some of the coolest, most well-described action out there, if you want to get our attention.  

Because your story, well, it is not the most original in the bag.  But heh, I wouldn't worry because in your genre - action - the story of MOST action films isn't what sells it.  As we all know, we come for the ass kicking and we stay for the ass kicking.  

With that in mind, my biggest advice is to READ action screenplays.  Right now.  Three scripts a week.  Go read what right now and come back and finish this review.  (I'm serious - when you're done, email what you learned from that script to eric@scriptdoctoreric.com - and THEN keep reading.)  

Because if we were going to create the plans to build a house, we wouldn't just look at completed houses and think we knew how they were constructed, would we?  Heck no!  We'd examine blueprints, build models, study everything that architects do to design the thing...after all, in a way, we're writing a blueprint.  (I know it's not a perfect analogy, but hey, it works in a way.) 

For example, have you read THE MATRIX?  Some of the best action description is in that script.  Quentin Tarantino's scripts are fun, and you can probably borrow a few structural tricks from him, but be careful with the writer-directors - they often play by their own rules.

So read, read, read, and then work on your writing.  I highly recommend BIRD BY BIRD by Anne Lamott, ON WRITING by Stephen King, and ON WRITING WELL by William Zinsser.  They're not for screenwriting specifically, but they're on the craft of writing in general, which is technically, half of screenwriting...and I'd argue, more like 75%.

Well, that's it for comments.  The notes should be posted by Bob either before or after this review...

Hope the notes on the script help.  Those are they type of detailed, page-by-page notes I write for my clients who order my Ultimate Service.  You'll see that I gave a lot of alternative ways to write certain lines.  I know you didn't order the notes, so perhaps you weren't expecting them - I hope you don't feel as if I'm stepping on your toes. To me, a note of "this is wrong" isn't that helpful - I like to have some examples of potentially better ways to write it.

I hope the notes at least give you a concrete starting point on the areas that need the most attention, and fast ways to improve your writing.  Again, your passion really flows out of this script, and so I don't doubt that you have the potential to create something great in the future.  If I had read this script for an agent, I would have told them, "Let's wait and see where this writer is in 6 months," which, believe me, is a helluva lot better than a "No thanks."  

So keep on writing and kicking ass, man.  And please contact me with any questions over these notes, your script, or anything else.

Rating: TAKE ANOTHER PASS

If other screenwriters out there found this analysis intriguing, and wonder how your script would stack up, just check out www.scriptdoctoreric.com.  On the site you'll find write post after post dispensing free screenwriting advice, and screenwriting services for every type of writer.  

If you're a screenwriter out there whose work I don't ever get the pleasure of reading, I hope you take advantage of fun screenwriting events like "Feedback Friday," and for goodness sakes, don't ever stop writing and creating.

Seriously.  And...

Onward!

-Eric

@scriptdreric

Eric's Notes

RIGHTEOUS KILLER by Erik Wolter

When a deranged high school janitor goes on a rampage at Saturday morning detention, an unlikely pair of survivors must stop him.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 

This week Bob took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Erik Wolter's RIGHTEOUS KILLER

Review of “Righteous Killer”

Reviewed by Bob Schultz

(Screenplay / Thriller First 10 Pages)

Original Logline: When a deranged high school janitor goes on a rampage at Saturday morning detention, an unlikely pair of survivors must stop him.

Hi Erik. Thank you for the opportunity to read the first ten pages of RIGHTEOUS KILL. I fear that it has some issues that need to be addressed. I don’t know how many rewrites you have gone through on this one, but I think it would really benefit from at least one more, perhaps two or three.

For starters, I recognize in your first ten pages one of my own personal issues when writing: Over-writing. The old maxim about starting every scene as late as possible and ending it as early as possible holds true on a more macro scale (enter your script as late as possible, finish it as early as possible), and on a more micro level. Every paragraph and line of dialogue ought to be tight, tight, tight.

The real meat of “Righteous Kill” hasn’t started yet in the first ten. Let’s see how we can tighten this up.

I think pages one and two can be cut entirely. It seems like it has become easy screenwriting shorthand to get backstory introduced through a news report. It feels a little lazy, and all of these details can easily be introduced later in the story in more subtle ways. Likewise the prison rape on page two. It’s gruesome and unnecessary. After all, everybody knows what goes on in prison. Presumably, Charles will play a critical role later in the story. He can exhibit PTSD and the haunted look of a tortured soul, and it can be revealed he hasn’t been the same since prison. The audience will connect the dots.

If we’re going to allude to his history later, the scene with Robert Hart and the Atari 2600 can be cut too.

The mystery surrounding Shadow will make the movie better. His motivations and backstory don’t need to be clear to the audience at first, as long as they are clear to Shadow, and to you, as you write him.

Having avoided the cliché of the newscast and shrouded Shadow in mystery (can one shroud a shadow?) The introduction of the detention students is right up front. If this is going to be a classic thriller (or horror), these changes bring your victims right up front, ready to earn some empathy from the crowd.

I think they benefit from some reworking as well. It seems that we are meant to see them in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. The good news is that each character is introduced quickly and easily, rat-a-tat-tat. At first, anyway, each seems to be a bit of a stereotype. Presuming you are intending to add layers and gray areas as the movie goes on, this is a fine start.

The only other concern I would raise, Erik, is that school shootings are such a hot-button issue that it might be difficult to put the thrill in this thriller. That “roller-coaster” joy that comes from watching a thriller or horror stems from the audience’s ability to experience the danger without actually being threatened. I fear that a school shooting hits a little close to home for all of us. Is the movie going to be “Final Destination” or “Elephant?” I think it’s important you decide and commit. As it stands now, the script starts with realistic torture and horror, then moves into lighthearted jocularity in the detention.

I hope my comments haven’t discouraged you, Erik. Rest assured, these problems are all easily fixed through rewriting, with an eye toward keeping the story tight and the characters interesting.

Thanks again for the opportunity to read it, and keep on writing!

RATING:

TAKE ANOTHER PASS. Or two. I think you’re on to something here. Your logline is a solid foundation. We just don’t have a house yet.

MEMORIZE / EUGENE / THE SPHERE / REVELATION

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

On the first Friday of every month, we'll feature some short films and visual pitches in lieu of posting pages. 

There were no new pitches this month, but you can check out the old ones here.

Here are four shorts that came across my Twitter feed recently. I haven't watched them yet, so let me know what you think.

MEMORIZE

"We've got a problem." Another great sci-fi action short film to catch, this one we promise is entertaining. From directors Eric Ramberg and Jimmy Eriksson comes a sci-fi story set in 2027 titled Memorize, in a world where everyone has "Memorize-chips" implanted that record everything in an attempt to cut down on crime. Watching this, it kind of has a Minority Report or Gattaca feeling, with modern day action like Dredd. One reader who sent this in references video games: "A dash of Max Payne, a dash of Syndicate. Also, oddly like a futuristic Law & Order or CSI." That's true too, but it's pretty damn good. Check this out! -  FIRSTSHOWING.NET

Memorize - Short Film from Jimmy Eriksson on Vimeo.

EUGENE

A traveler in Washington DC gets a mysterious gift: an Ultrabook that grants all his wishes. How will he wield his unexpected powers?  Vimeo Staff Pick.


Eugene, directed by Spencer Susser (feat. Michael Govier and Karolina Wydra) from Intel & W Hotels on Vimeo.

THE SPHERE

In the not too distant future, Earth is occupied by a hostile alien race that's aggressively searching for a missing alien artifact -- a sphere that contains an infinite source of powerful energy. When a resistance fighter gains possession of the sphere, he races to unlock the energy it contains in order to eradicate the alien forces and return Earth to humankind.

THE SPHERE from Nicholas Militello on Vimeo.

REVELATION: Omnibus

Revelation Film Project is an experimental art film project. The piece is ensemble-generated, working without a script.

THE OMEGA FILES by Derek Anderson

Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

This week Bob took a look at the 1st 10 pages of Derek Anderson's 
THE OMEGA FILES.

Review of “The Omega Files”

Reviewed by Bob Schultz

(Screenplay / Action, Sci-Fi? First 10 Pages)

Original Logline: Entrenched in a century long covert war, two opposing forces fight for a talented young girl with a mysterious past who holds the key to ending the conflict. One side seeks to kill her, the other seeks to save her, but accepting her past will mean letting go of everything she’s ever known.

Derek, one thing is for sure: THE OMEGA FILES starts with a bang.

THE STORY:

We have an innocent protagonist facing an assassin committed to ending her life, a near- superhuman hero assigned to save her, and everyone’s motivations are shrouded in mystery. Is there a time-travel element to the mystery (“something not from this century”)? What does this all mean? How did Mary come to write such a brilliant piece of literature? She seems to be just another all-American girl. I wanted to learn more.

The brutality of the attack on Mary was effective (though it might be difficult to watch for audiences). I think the risk of alienating audiences with the violence is one worth taking. It immediately does the following:

• Sets the stakes as life-or-death.
• Establishes the antagonist organization is a genuine threat that will stop at nothing.
• Drives the audience to empathize with Mary.

Having said that, I think the scene could use some tightening. Franklin falls victim to classic “Movie Bad Guy” syndrome of stopping to talk when he could kill the hero. Clearly this assignment (killing Mary) has implications wide and far-reaching, and he pauses to gloat “You really don’t know, do you?”

This hesitation gives Sphinx time to swoop in, save Mary, and kill Franklin.

The level of mystery and intrigue will be raised even further if Franklin doesn’t hesitate. He should stride into the award ceremony and go right for the kill. This will allow you to introduce Sphinx earlier. In fact, I would establish her presence very early. On Page 32, after we’ve moved past the MATCH CUT, maybe a moment of Sphinx watching the proceedings from a hidden location (the eaves of the building, some dark shadow, in disguise among the paparazzi, something like that). I think if Sphinx knew the value of Mary as a target, she wouldn’t let Franklin get the drop on her.

If Franklin is ready to kill Mary immediately (instead of beating her), the fight between Sphinx and Franklin can last a bit longer, and we can see the reactions of Mary’s boyfriend and parents too.

From a story perspective, I want to know more about what happens in this adventure, for certain.

THE WRITING:

Aside from a slight tendency to overwrite (see the annotated pages with comments about redundancy), your writing style is sleek and direct, critical to an action script. I would consider truncating some of your complete sentences. Doing so helps the script read faster. Instead of:

THE CROWD ERUPTS IN DEAFENING APPLAUSE. CAMERAS FLASH EVERY SPLIT SECOND.

… you can write:

DEAFENING APPLAUSE. CAMERAS FLASH.

Edits like this will have the reader’s eye careening down the page, searching for your next exciting set piece.

RATING:

MORE PLEASE. I need to know what happens next and why everyone is after Mary. Good job, Derek.

Bob's Notes

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF by Paul Holbrook

A business man and a drug addict form an unlikely friendship after a chance meeting and a mutual love for music. The odd couple begin to rely on each other as their usual mundane lives begin to crumble around them.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, one of our reviewers (or guests) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then comment on your work.

Paul was kind enough to allow me to post his pages today without a review. Also, he wants you to know that he is from the U.K.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF by Paul Holbrook

(Pages 1-12)