A MASS EXODUS by Gene Levitzky

In a future where uploading one's consciousness is legally tantamount to suicide, a man must help find his ex-wife's mind before the authorities find out what has happened to her and she loses everything she has worked so hard for.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This week's review (of Gene Levitzky's 1st 10 pages) brought to you by Amy Suto

I picked this submission out of the stack because the logline intrigued me. Uploading consciousness? A treasure hunt for somebody's mind? Sounds like a movie. I'm in!

The story begins in a futuristic "loading void" where we hear a heartbeat. A female voice greets a mysterious Bridgette, and a fiery serpent appears as the voice tells us "Loading, please wait." A fleshy orb travels across cities with strange names as it turns into human form. It is "Brie's Avatar."

Cut to: a riotous Washington D.C. that is up and arms over a virtual reality system named Barbelo, where people's avatars live. The Hive, which is Facebook's predecessor, appears to stream status updates and news feeds into this virtual world.

First of all, the world building in this script is top-notch. The writer knows how to create fantastic cinematic imagery, and I have no doubt that should these first few pages be filmed, they would be spectacular.

However, the exposition dump via the news is cliche and boring. When it comes to dialog, less is more, because dialog takes much more screen time than action lines do. Brie's monologue is equally arduous, and I found myself skimming and mentally checking out because I didn't care for this character and I didn't understand the implication of her words. What are pneumatics and why should I care about their enfranchisement?

Another change I would make is naming Friends #1-3. I have no mental image of them. Are they men? Women? Young? Old? These characters have a page worth of lines. Even something like, "Stout Man" or "Loud Redneck" would be better than no description at all. It might even inform their dialog and help give the characters a distinct voice. Right now, they sound identical.

I get that the writer is trying to get across a political message with this script. The problem is that it's too obvious. We have characters talking about government and philosophy every two pages. I think Samael's monologue -- although eloquent -- is too wordy and doesn't serve an immediate purpose. Political undertones are fine, but entertainment should always come first. Even political thrillers like Ides of March put the 'thrills' before the politics.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about these pages. All of the scenes feel so disjointed and unrelated that I don't have time to become invested in the plot or the characters. Just as I'm about to see why Brie wants to talk to this wise prophet-like man, we get pulled elsewhere. It's disorienting and tough to follow.

However, I do think the concept is interesting and there are some compelling mysteries being set up! I'm intrigued, and I think another pass could help make the story stronger and more cohesive.

(  ) Trash It
(*) Take Another Pass
(  ) More Please
(  ) Somebody Shoot This!

Amy's Notes

What did you think of Gene's 1st 10 pages?

Next week Craig Mazin gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Paul Zeidman's

WOK & ROLL



Please comment on Gene Levitzky's 1st 10 pages below.

LOCO by Michael Scott Reese & Adam Oliver Schwartz

An egomaniacal Hollywood director is kidnapped by a brutal Mexican cartel leader and forced to make a horror movie or else his family will be killed, but as the real bodycount rises, he must find a way to escape before the final cut.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This week Dan read the 1st 10 pages of Michael Reese & Adam Schwartz' LOCO.

My review this week will cover "Loco", a curious horror concept about a director who is kidnapped and forced to make a horror movie by a Mexican cartel leader. Unfortunately, our ten page format doesn't allow for us to really delve into that this time - but as with all reviews, we'll try to just focus on what we do have in front of us. I will say that I am interested to see how the "real body count" thread referred to in the logline intertwines with the plot of the director trying to save his family, as I hope it's not just something tacked on inorganically. 

The story opens on a film set, where a crazy, self-loving, arrogant prick of a director named John is churning out another in an apparent string of lame B-movie horror flicks he has become known for. By the way, the first page of the script opens in an identical fashion as "Deep Level Shelter", another work Amy reviewed a couple weeks back. Meaning, we are led to believe there is an actual murder taking place until the director yells "CUT!" and we realize we've been duped as an audience. Unfortunately, after the awesome faux-tribal sacrifice in "Deep Level Shelter", this scene doesn't pack quite the same punch - especially since I feel like I've seen this trick several times before already in other films (not to say it wasn't written well, because it was).

So: my first impression of John is that he's an asshole, and I don't care what the hell happens to him in this film. He drops a half-dozen F-bombs in the first two pages, which immediately makes him unlikeable, he's not funny when he probably thinks he is, and he treats women like the worst kind of shit. I really, really, really didn't like him. I understand this is the writer's intent, but maybe it was a little too much early on. 

After getting a blow job from the assistant he just berated in public, John gets a frantic call from his forty-something, past-her-prime wife. He comes back home to his mansion to find that it's been broken into, and police are checking things out. Nothing's been stolen, but the audience knows from a previous scene that a Mexican man was the culprit, as he was here earlier taking photographs of the inside of the house for some reason. We get a little bit of a confrontation here between John and his wife, who knows John is not being faithful nor a good father to their children. After seeing John in all his assholian glory just a minute earlier though, it was hard to garner any sympathy for him, even when he was attempting to reach out to his pained spouse. That exchange felt a little forced.

The next scene is the introduction to our villain: Loco. Loco is a slick-suited, big, intimidating Mexican drug lord who shows us he's a complete bad ass by blowing a captured opponent's butthole wide open with a revolver round. This sequence, while competently written again, was pretty over-the-top and cliche for me. There were even a couple dialogue bits like, "You know I can't do that" - "Can't? Or won't?" and "Am I attractive? Then why are you trying to fuck me!" - these are exchanges I feel like I've seen time and time again, in one form or the other. I don't feel like it's being done in a tongue-in-cheek manner, either, so it was kind of hard to take the it very seriously - but, that may be due to personal reasons. Case in point: I hated Man On Fire, and the scene where a stoic Denzel shoves a grenade up a man's ass kinda struck me in the same silly kind of way this scene did.

We end our pages with Loco meeting with the Mexican photographer who invaded John's mansion earlier, and the photographer sharing his camera goodies with Loco. It's a nice question to end on, as we're wondering what the hell does this guy want with intimate knowledge of a famous director's interior home design?

Overall, I'd have to say these writers are very competent, they know formatting, they write relatively lean, nothing about the structure really jumped out at me as bad (although, my first thought was that the villain shouldn't be introduced so early on, but they may have reasons for that). 

As far as the actual content on the page though, it struck me as a little bland and unoriginal. The dialogue, as I've pointed out, kind of felt like it was retreading previous films in certain spots, and most of the story choices didn't seem all too fresh either. The policeman who asks the director for his autograph at a crime scene, the dog-like, hot-blooded Mexican gangster, the intro "trick" scene which I've already touched on. None of it's really bad, it's just not anything that gets my heart racing if I'm being honest. 

Aside from that, my biggest issue was the main character. Movies where our hero is a giant dickwad at the start of the film are not unheard of of course, but in the cases where it works, it works because that giant dickwad is also entertaining. He captivates us, even if we don't sympathize with him. Scrooge, for instance. P.L. Travers, in the upcoming "Saving Mr. Banks"  - these characters are witty, funny, and full of life. Translation: fun to watch - even if they're not so nice. There is nothing about John Williams in these first ten pages that I find interesting. He's not funny, he's not charismatic, he's just a huge jerk. I think maybe toning his character down and giving us a reason to root for him might go a long way into connecting the hero with the audience, which is pretty key in the first few minutes of a film.

I will give this baby a "Take Another Pass".

Cheers,

Dan

( )Trash It 

(*)Take Another Pass 

( )More Please 

( )Somebody Shoot This!

Dan's Notes

What did you think of the Michael and Adam's 1st 10 pages?

Next week Amy will give feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Gene Levitzky's  A Mass Exodus?

Please comment below on the 1st 10 pages of LOCO. 

MAD DOGS by Chris Hicks & Francis Lombard

A repressed teen werewolf tracks down her estranged father -- the sheriff of a resort that caters to the hedonistic pursuits of werewolves -- but an outbreak of weaponized rabies turns their bittersweet reunion into a fight for survival.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This week Rob read the  1st 10 pages of Chris Hicks & Francis Lombard's  MAD DOGS.

Normally when I receive a submission I thank the submitter for their contribution, forward it to Dan and Amy, then file it away. But after reading the logline for Chris and Francis's grindhouse horror- I read their pages immediately. Biological warfare and werewolves? How could you not? Great concept. Do the first ten pages deliver on the premise? Let's find out.

We start off in Mexico's Baja peninsula with 17 year old Cassie Youngquist cruising along Route 1 in her Subaru Outback. Not only is she lost, but something has left four claw marks along her driver's side door. Right off the bat I'm wondering who is this girl, where is she going and what the hell did that to her car? Okay, so I'm pretty sure it was a werewolf, but still- I'm along for the ride.

Cassie comes upon an "adobe Catholic Church" and gets out to ask for directions. She meets a "short, frazzled PADRE" and explains that she's looking for her father, Roy Barton, who lives in Moonshine. He tells her that the map is wrong and takes her inside so that she can pull up another map. They enter an anteroom where a "feverish twenty-something man" is "lashed down to a heavy wooden workbench." Cassie sees a "syringe, IV bags and numerous vials" next to him. Naturally, she freaks out. She manages to escape, but during the ruckus the Padre knocks one of the man's restraints loose. A nice little plant that I suspect will lead to a gruesome pay off later on.

After driving a good distance away, Cassie pulls over because she's having a panic attack. She pops some pills, gets back on the road and follows a motorcycle caravan and two pick up trucks to Moonshine.

There's a bunch of rules posted on the way inside but the two most striking are:

THE DOGCATCHER'S WORD IS FINAL and ABSOLUTELY NO SILVER!

Moonshine is a veritable Mexican Mardi Gras for werewolves, where Cassie quickly encounters a host of characters. I got a little confused here and I think it was because of two things: too many characters introduced too quickly combined with the switching back and forth between events in the bar and events on the street. I think it may help to cut out some of the characters, or depict each scene separately in it's entirety. Despite some confusion, there was some intense action and good characterization. I'd just like to see it play out a little slower.

If you read my notes you'll see how I believe these pages could benefit from another pass. Still, an overuse of capitalization and parentheticals can easily be fixed. The writing itself is very good. 

I'm itching to read more. The writers have done an excellent job of setting up some dramatic questions. I'm curious as to what Moonshine is all about. I also want to learn more about Cassie and her relationship with her father. Why is she looking for him? But even more compelling, as I mentioned earlier, is the premise. And concept is king. It's no easy task to put a new spin on a tired genre. With good writing, a resort for werewolves and the promise of weaponized rabbies I've got to ask for ...

( )Trash It 

( )Take Another Pass 

(*)More Please 

( )Somebody Shoot This!

Rob's Notes

What did you think of Chris and Francis's 1st 10 pages?

Next week Dan gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Michael Scott Reese & Adam Oliver Schwartz's LOCO

Please comment on the 1st 10 pages of Chris HIcks & Francis Lombard's MAD DOGS below.

ROTTEN MEAT by Dean Figone

Based on a true story, about the infamous Bender Family in Kansas: a group of sociopaths who run an inn on the outskirts of town who supplement their income by murdering the guests, chopping up the bodies and selling the meat to the townspeople.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This guest review (of Dean Figon's 1st 10 pages) is brought to you by Reviewbrain : @brainyreviewer
*This week's notes are brought to you by Dan.
Addendum 6/10: Reviewbrain's notes.

This is fine, but it reads more like a summary than a film logline. Here it is reworded:

A family of sociopaths running an inn in Kansas supplement their income by murdering their guests, chopping up the bodies and selling the meat to the unsuspecting locals. Based on the true story of the infamous Bender family.

Analysis

I usually don’t go for blood and gore, but my recent addiction to The Walking Dead made reading this script bearable. I’m talking strictly about the subject matter here. The script itself was quite interesting and despite my misgivings I found myself wanting to read the rest of it.

We are introduced to Bob, Marli, and Kate. Marli calls Bob to dinner. He complains about it being cabbage soup again cluing us into the fact that the household is impoverished. An argument between Bob and Marli reveals to the audience that he’s a miner who hasn’t been able to find work. This also hints that perhaps many people, other mining families, are suffering like they are. But Marli (Bob’s wife or mistress) points out that his alcoholism is what’s keeping him from getting a new job. At her disgust Bob reminds her that he didn’t have to take her and her daughter in. So we learn that Kate isn’t Bob’s child. Also, that he finds the child creepy.

So far, we have a picture of a disjointed family which came upon hard times. But what starts like a regular argument quickly escalates into a bloody confrontation when Bob cuts himself on glass shards of a bottle he threw. Marli then hits him on the head with a rolling pin to stop him from attacking her and her daughter in his drunken rage. The broken hearted woman knows she and her daughter can’t stay in the house anymore and packs up their things. She explains to her child Kate that Bob isn’t a man; a real man puts food on the table.

Kate’s childish (and apparently psychopathic) mind takes her mother’s words to heart. While Marli packs their things, the small girl sets about turning Bob into a real man, by killing him and using his meat for food. Marli is understandably horrified by her daughter’s actions but regroups quickly, saying that she can’t let her daughter starve, and that it would be a “a sin to let good meat go to waste”.

I love the irony here, and what Marli’s reasoning tells us about her. One could play devil’s advocate and argue that, seeing as Bob is already dead, she was faced with an “Alive” situation and wanted to save herself and her child. The fact that she doesn’t freak out at her daughter’s cannibalism and readiness to murder a man, however, points that she herself isn’t all that right in the head.

I can easily imagine this script as a feature film. But I’m not sure whether you intend it to be a slasher film. I’d suggest you add a little mystery to the story. For example, you could also have Kate’s identity (since she’s only a child in the beginning of the film) be the mystery. Maybe the town has lots of red-headed women and viewers keep trying to guess which one is Kate.

Also, I did a little reading on the history of the script and based on what I understand, it seems like Kate will most likely be the main character. But the audience might find it hard to root for a murderous cannibal, so I’d suggest rethinking that.

I think the script has promise but there is a major issue for me: what’s the conflict of the film? We know it’s about a murdering family, but what’s the tension? Is it the fear of getting caught? Is there, perhaps, a new Sherriff/ magistrate they need to watch out for? Could that person be the main protagonist of the story? Are Marli and Kate better off now but the girl can’t stop murdering people? I think the first ten pages need to be condensed; perhaps into five to eight pages, leaving room for more characters, more plot, to be introduced. If possible, the logline could also be altered to include this plot.

Then there is the issue of formatting. I’m certainly not one to talk as it’s one of my greatest weaknesses, but go over your script again and again to make sure it conforms to the formatting guidelines. Trust me, you don’t want to submit your script, only to have it rejected because it doesn’t look professional. Or worse, have them read it and get a reputation of not being a professional because your script doesn’t look sharp. If you can’t invest in Final Draft, check out Script Frenzy’s webpage on the formatting guidelines: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay. After you’ve mastered those, you can find answers to your more advanced formatting needs in Dr. Format’s books. http://www.writersstore.com/dr-format-answers-your-questions-david-trottier

Other than that, best of luck. You’re off to a good start 

(  )Trash It (Start over.)

(*)Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

(  )More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

(  )Somebody Shoot This!

Dan's Notes:

Reviewbrain's Notes:

What did you think of Dean's 1st 10 pages?

Next week Rob gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Chris Hicks & Francis Lombard's 

MAD DOGS.

Please comment on the first 10 pages of ROTTEN MEAT below.

DEEP LEVEL SHELTER by Karl Larsson

When the Nazis smuggle their latest nightmarish creations into a secret military base below London, a regiment of soldiers must make sure Churchill and Eisenhower survive the night, but not everyone is who they seem to be.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)

Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)

More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)

Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This week's review (of Karl Larsson's 1st 10 pages) brought to you by: Amy Suto

I picked this review out of the pile because the logline is unlike anything I've read. It's so different and interesting and new that I had to read it. I wanted to know what the so-called "nightmarish creation" is, and why Churchill and Eisenhower have to survive and why everyone is not who they appear to be. 

So do the first ten pages of Deep Level Shelter meet the expectations set by its killer concept? Let's find out!

The story opens somewhere in West Africa, where a tribal ritual is taking place. A priest, standing in front of an open grave, calls forth a beast who attacks the tribesmen, wreaking havoc until it is slain.

And then we hear applause, and the lights go on. This isn't West Africa, it's a soundstage, a sort of gladiator ring, where the Nazi leaders watch this gruesome battle from above. The remaining survivors in the ring are executed.

Cut to: World War 2-era London where the roguish Charlie Rayburn, who appears to be a Warden, runs into a burning jewelry store where someone is trapped! That someone is a safecracker who recognizes Rayburn and seems surprised he's alive. But instead of getting the safecracker out of the building, Rayburn kills him, pickpockets him, and steals what's in the safe. Talk about a surprise!

As it turns out, Rayburn is no Warden, and his intentions aren't honorable. He knocks out a firemen after cracking the safe, and picks up the fireman and escapes the burning building. The bystanders treat him like a hero -- irony at its best -- and Rayburn returns the Warden hat to its rightful owner, who is bound and gagged and stuck in a dumpster.

What I like about Rayburn is that he's the kind of character A-list actors like to play. Think Jack Sparrow, think Hans Solo: sly and quick-thinking with shady intentions and questionable morals, but highly entertaining to watch.

The dialog in these ten pages is brilliant, punctuated by quick wit and minimum exposition. One of my favorite lines from Angus also subtly sets up a type of "ticking time bomb" that may play a part in the story later: "Aye. You Yanks better shoot straighter than you throw those wee darts, or we'll all be speaking German soon enough."

The accents in this script also make the dialog feel textured, interesting, and specific to each character.

This script reads like a professional script should: paragraphs shorter than four lines, tight, concise action, sharp dialog-- the works! You always hear about entering and leaving your scenes as soon as you can, and this script actually applies this rule. These ten pages are so close to perfect that I wouldn't be surprised if Karl Larsson is actually some working screenwriter submitting this under a pen name. That's how much I love these pages!

There is one area of this script I'd like to point out that could be strengthened: the character introductions. Louis, Angus, Palmer and Tom are all introduced within one and a half pages. Most script readers read at a breakneck pace and can only keep track of eight named characters on average, and considering these four characters appear to be a part of the main cast, their introductions feel a bit rushed. Introductions are so important, and by staggering them, you can give each character a chance to reveal a bit about themselves by how the audience meets them. First impressions are everything!

Overall, these first ten pages are incredible! Karl's strong opening, slick dialog, multi-layered characters and a promising premise make this a definite "somebody shoot this"!

(  ) Trash It
(  ) Take Another Pass
(  ) More Please
(*) Somebody Shoot This!

Amy's notes on "Deep Level Shelter"

What did you think of Karl's 1st 10 pages?

Next week ReviewBrain gives feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Dean Figone's ROTTEN MEAT.

Please comment on Karl Larsson's 1st 10 pages below.