tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post950442896088544127..comments2023-03-28T02:49:12.663-07:00Comments on Feedback Friday: £80 PER WEEK by Alex DurhamAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01175985544002285736noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-18464335485487035112012-05-18T03:34:48.963-07:002012-05-18T03:34:48.963-07:00Hi Alex,
Intriguing 10 pages. But like some of th...Hi Alex,<br /><br />Intriguing 10 pages. But like some of the other comments, the "we see" "we hear" direction really pulls me out of a script. I think of you went through it and just cut the action down to its core -- what do you want us to see and hear? Footsteps? Them just write that. We get it fine, we're focused on that one specific detail. And we no longer have to be reminded that it's a script. Anything that breaks the flow should be deleted. Another thing about we sees and we hears, is that it seems more like a pitch -- as if you're telling the story to a room of execs. But equally, that's just my opinion on these things!<br /><br />One other thing -- the dialogue is on the nose in places, and the characters threaten to "sound" the same. I think you could do with writing down some character traits and applying them to their dialogue, it can be a useful exercise. <br /><br />Any overwriting can be cut out with a judicial read and cull with the old red pen, and by doing dialogue passes for each character, you may be able to reduce the amount of on the nose exposition that is currently there.<br /><br />Anyway, good work, I enjoyed it but you do need to settle in for an evening and go wild with a red pen or 2. Remember, you can always but things back in if you really really want to! :)<br /><br />Kind regards,<br /><br />Cillian.Cillian Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13301888060830443322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-49578216623411290062012-05-12T21:25:10.265-07:002012-05-12T21:25:10.265-07:00Alex,
Love the tension. It's very cinematic. ...Alex,<br /><br />Love the tension. It's very cinematic. I'm into the story, but like others have said, I think it can be told more concisely.<br /><br />I don't like the "we see" stuff. That's been beaten into me. Stage directions and the "we" stuff take me out of the story.<br /><br />And the dialogue is a bit wordy. I think it would be an interesting exercise for you to try and take some of the lengthier dialogue passages and cut them in half. I think that would force you to make better choices and to have pithier dialogue. <br /><br />Some of it seems a little on the nose and expositional as well. Try adding some subtext, where they may not always be saying exactly what they mean. <br /><br />I hope this doesn't sound hypercritical, because this is extremely promising and has the potential to be a real strong piece. It just gets slowed down a little, when the pace should be a little quicker.<br /><br />Keep working on this one. It's got real potential.<br /><br />Wayne Nicholswayneothewriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10061367911642542682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-86008114576691785722012-05-11T11:25:05.452-07:002012-05-11T11:25:05.452-07:00The characters are great and you definitely get a ...The characters are great and you definitely get a feel for them, but I have to agree about it being overwritten. "We see" and "We hear" are pet peeves of mine. With a bit of rewording, you can get the same information across without using those phrases, plus it won't feel like you're directing from the page. <br /><br />The dialogue gets a bit repetitive towards the end but I do like the bombshell that it's a father/son team. <br /><br />It's gripping stuff, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit.lizzaynhttp://twitter.com/lizzaynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-47431082157896121612012-05-11T09:13:08.298-07:002012-05-11T09:13:08.298-07:00**Like Script Quack mentioned. Great guest review,...**Like Script Quack mentioned. Great guest review, by the way! I confused it with Rob's work :)Amyhttp://www.amysuto.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-32921834932499056902012-05-11T09:11:23.315-07:002012-05-11T09:11:23.315-07:00Wow! Loved this piece. Reminded me of the opening ...Wow! Loved this piece. Reminded me of the opening of Tarantino's Kill Bill. (Lofty compliment, to be sure.) Loved the fact that Kev and Julian were father and son-- great twist. <br /><br />I do think that with parts being a little overwritten like Rob mentioned. You could probably shorten this scene a page or two and accomplish everything as it is. On page 9 there were some larger chunks of dialog that were interesting, but obvious exposition. It might be best to move them to a later spot in the story. <br /><br />As for the "we see" comment, I'm not sure I agree. One one hand, it effectively communicates where the camera is, but on the other this is more of the director's job. And "we see" can take the reader out of the pages since it is implied.<br /><br />But overall, I loved this opening! There is skill in the way you crafted this scene. A definite (x) More please rating.Amyhttp://www.amysuto.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-85391588522905000212012-05-11T05:20:59.165-07:002012-05-11T05:20:59.165-07:00okay, i liked that the writing was clean, simple, ...okay, i liked that the writing was clean, simple, easy to read. however, this scene is waaaaayyyy too long. it should have been over in 3 pages, 5 at the very most. you stay on the same beat of "guy is scaring the girl" forever. and there's way too much dialogue, and much of it's repetitive. it's all julian trying to calm the girl down for the most part. we get the point, move to the shooting a lot quicker and don't overstay your welcome. i started to mentally check out around page 4 or 5. <br /><br />if it were me, i'd probably start the scene with kev bringing the morphine back already, then get to the shooting as fast as you can, and then get out right after. you shouldn't have to take 10 pages to show a murder like that. <br /><br />okay, other than that, i didn't think it was too bad - i liked the small twist at the end of it, and the dialogue (at least at first, before it started to get redundant) seemed pretty natural.<br /><br />thanks for sharing! keep at it.<br /><br />danAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08921550286934017510noreply@blogger.com