tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post8832955561018551411..comments2023-03-28T02:49:12.663-07:00Comments on Feedback Friday: ONE BY ONE by Corey SwimAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01175985544002285736noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-20375540986256761512012-12-26T21:26:40.027-08:002012-12-26T21:26:40.027-08:00Sorry for not responding sooner guys, I totally mi...Sorry for not responding sooner guys, I totally missed the feature on the site! Obviously, I am a newbie to the Feedback Friday site... My bad. <br /><br />I very much appreciate the advice/notes I received and have already made changes. A NOTE: I changed the beginning of the screenplay to start with the dream sequence. This will visually introduce you to most of the characters in the entire screenplay, (Except for the two main characters ALEX and XURI, aka "man in shadow," who will be revealed soon after. I also altered my character descriptions (Thank you Eric, for the specific examples) and overall feel that the 1st ten pages are much better. Generally, as the 1st ten relate to the entire screenplay, I would say that the interconnections continue to develop and are fully expressed throughout the screenplay. The "cliches" that appear to be present fall away as the undercurrent of love and betrayal unfold.Corey Swimhttp://twitter.com/throwitfarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-9933178980348188362012-12-25T21:59:28.170-08:002012-12-25T21:59:28.170-08:00I must thank you for the efforts you have put in w...I must thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this website.<br />I am hoping to check out the same high-grade blog posts by you later on as <br />well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me <br />to get my own site now ;)<br /><i>Also visit my web page</i> - <b><a href="http://onlinetrading9123.com" rel="nofollow">E*trade financial - online brokerage & trading</a></b>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-9390765932203547802012-12-24T19:15:24.462-08:002012-12-24T19:15:24.462-08:00desperado was great.desperado was great.THE_HAZEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-44764658356018352702012-12-24T07:23:01.243-08:002012-12-24T07:23:01.243-08:00Hello Corey,
Well done on getting onto Feedback ...Hello Corey,<br /><br /><br />Well done on getting onto Feedback Friday. Here are the notes I wrote:<br /><br /><br />p.1 No introduction to him, so why should we care about Sykes? <br /><br />p.1 "Mines explode. Men evaporate. The men relentlessly advance." - Well, these guys are idiots then; simply computer game targets waiting to be mowed down; why fear or respect them?<br /><br />p.2 Sykes: "What are you f**k-holes up to?" - Nobody serious talks like this.<br /><br />p.2 "Sykes kills five men before he empties the clip" - The normal clip size for an AK47 is about 30, so that means six bullets for each man. Cartoonish.<br /><br />p.4 Man in Shadow (to his men): "Find the others..." - How? Are they also in the building? Make it visual, have him gesture at a computer or a pile of documents.<br /><br />p.4 Alex is... "intelligent, fast-talking, sarcastic but lovable" - How do we know this? We certainly don't see much evidence in these ten pages. Show, don't tell. <br /><br />The dialogue in the dinner scene feels too obvious and too generic. It is also too obviously exposition. What do killers talk about at dinner? Surprise us.<br /><br />p.9 So Alex retired from being an assassin because an innocent was killed during one of his hits? An over-used and tiresome cliché.<br /><br /><br />Overall, I thought the writing was good, with crisp action slugs and a noticeable lack of mistakes. But the story feels very clichéd, the characters aren't very compelling and, most importantly considering the genre, the action felt generic. Video game baddies, shadowy villains, back-and-forth gun battles, kung fu and snipers are all de rigeur. Where is the innovation, the humour (a single cheesy one liner doesn't count) and the thrill of it all? I'd suggest you watch DESPERADO in order to observe how clever the action scenes are, how unique the protagonist is and how much fun it is. <br /><br /><br />Good luck!GYADnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-85871596826367888612012-12-23T08:55:10.157-08:002012-12-23T08:55:10.157-08:00How do you edit? I need an edit button for sure. ...How do you edit? I need an edit button for sure. me without an edit button is a tricky proposition, sometimes it's hard to decipher what I said. i guess that goes without saying... anyway... another thought i had was the very last page i though were notes from eric, but it turned out to be more of your pages. <br /><br />Think of a script as a first date. i want to know my character before he starts blowing up and killing random GUY #2., insert foreplay metaphor for the first date.<br /><br />Anyway, this was just so impersonal.<br /><br />RustinTHE_HAZEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-58976164462283902142012-12-22T12:27:49.438-08:002012-12-22T12:27:49.438-08:00i don't understand why the writer doesn't ...i don't understand why the writer doesn't chime in? Anyway, the pages read pretty good, nice pace. The problem I have, and it seems the person who read it was how it was framed. To us this is just an action scene, and it's basically ten pages. <br /><br /><br />While it is important to reveal character through discourse and action, this over did it. There's a tricky balance between starting with a big action sequence and revealing character before you show us the action.<br /> <br />In this particular case it's a scene we'd see later in the script and a lot of it would read better by default because we know the character. <br /><br /><br />RustinTHE_HAZEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-29334323330393487412012-12-21T10:29:59.546-08:002012-12-21T10:29:59.546-08:00I didn't mention this in my notes, but if you&...I didn't mention this in my notes, but if you're writing action, John August also has a great tutorial on his site:<br /><br />http://johnaugust.com/2009/writing-better-action<br /><br />Hope that helps!Ericnoreply@blogger.com