tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post229255957295611967..comments2023-03-28T02:49:12.663-07:00Comments on Feedback Friday: THE OMEGA FILES by Derek AndersonAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01175985544002285736noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-75509888407766690012012-12-03T08:06:21.760-08:002012-12-03T08:06:21.760-08:00Okay, I really loved that. The violence and sweari...Okay, I really loved that. The violence and swearing really worked for me, It came from nowhere and really exploded, and at the right time too - just as the 10 pages are coming to an end. <br /><br />The story fills me with intrigue and the violence fills me with excitement, it seems like my cup of tea and I'd love to read the rest.<br /><br />The pace is supersonic and I don't think I've flown through 10 pages that quickly in a long time.<br /><br />In regards to Franklyn's cliched lines when he is about to kill Mary, I'd like to see him be a bit more disgusting, maybe even sexual towards the young girl rather than the cliched "I'm gonna kill you", we learn he has a filthy mouth through his interaction with Shpinx, so would fit for him to be that way to Mary too and would make his death all the more satisfying.<br /><br />Brilliant.Paul Holbrookhttp://twitter.com/holbrook99noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-351095384808949742012-12-02T16:11:34.877-08:002012-12-02T16:11:34.877-08:00Thanks Graeme, shortening the action lines is defi...Thanks Graeme, shortening the action lines is definitely a must. Thanks for reading!SlevinUpnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-64665217809018016372012-12-02T16:10:50.274-08:002012-12-02T16:10:50.274-08:00Thank you for your thoughts and critiques GYAD. Ye...Thank you for your thoughts and critiques GYAD. Yeah, I admit, the logline is bad! I had about 10 minutes before I had to leave for work and I was about to send Bob a copy of the first 10pgs when it suddenly hit me... I never typed a logline! Wrote the whole script, but never a logline. I already like yours better.SlevinUpnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-60445714071378677422012-12-01T08:34:43.282-08:002012-12-01T08:34:43.282-08:00Argh! I typed a couple little paragraphs of though...Argh! I typed a couple little paragraphs of thoughts and Disqus swallowed it! Anyways, I liked this enough to want to know what happens next. <br /><br />Try and shorten the action lines, you've got a lot of "orphan" lines with just one word in them where you will save a line of space just be re-wording a couple things here and there, you'll fit a little more into these pages.GraemeMcPhailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-37875629390890021682012-11-30T12:21:20.909-08:002012-11-30T12:21:20.909-08:00Undoubtedly a fast moving, slickly written piece w...Undoubtedly a fast moving, slickly written piece with an intriguing mystery. I had only two problems. First, the swearing ("c***s") and overly brutal violence (stabbing an old man in the chin) didn't feel necessary and might (I can't say for sure as I haven't read the whole script) cause problems with finding the right audience or releasing this (the protagonist after all is a 16 year old girl).<br /><br /><br />Second, I felt there were a few too many clichés: Franklin's accent feels comedic whilst his stopping to talk to Mary rather than killing her when he had her at his mercy felt predictable and silly. Sphinx also feels a little clichéd as well (another beautiful female ninja type) although her late arrival means that there might be more depth to her in the rest of the script. Overall, a very commercial idea written in a pretty professional style.<br /><br />The only aspect that feels genuinely bad is your logline, which is over-long and over-complex. My own quick effort:<br /><br />"An innocent girl must abandon her normal life in order to discover the truth about her mysterious past when she finds herself the target in a deadly centuries long war between two covert organisations."<br /><br /><br /><br />Good luck!GYADnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7010681457906363141.post-37914724151010423772012-11-30T11:49:33.653-08:002012-11-30T11:49:33.653-08:00Thanks Bob for taking the time to review this! I l...Thanks Bob for taking the time to review this! I loved your idea of introducing Sphinx earlier and cutting out some of the cheese from the dialogue while they're fighting. I will definitely use both in a re-write. Glad you enjoyed it!SlevinUpnoreply@blogger.com